LOST: Postage stamps ordered through the United States Postal Service’s “Stamps by Mail” program. “Save time and gas by having stamps delivered to your door,” the USPS advertises. Postage amounting to $14.12 was ordered on 1/19/08, the check was cashed on 2/4/08, but as of today my doorstep remains barren. If someone should happen to see $14.12 of stamps lying along a highway anywhere between Kansas City, MO and Chandler, AZ. Inquire within.
STOLEN: Will the asshole who keeps stealing the nifty fluorescent light bulbs from the fixture on the front of the house please fucking cut it out. Those things don't grow on trees, you know. The thefts appear to occur on Wednesdays, which is the same day the "undocumented immigrant" landscaping crew half-assedly scapes our land. If you are an un-neighborly neighbor, return the bulbs to our front gate; if you are an un-American, mail them postage-paid from Mexico—but don’t use the United States Postal Service. Inquire within.