Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Classifieds

LOST: Postage stamps ordered through the United States Postal Service’s “Stamps by Mail” program. “Save time and gas by having stamps delivered to your door,” the USPS advertises. Postage amounting to $14.12 was ordered on 1/19/08, the check was cashed on 2/4/08, but as of today my doorstep remains barren. If someone should happen to see $14.12 of stamps lying along a highway anywhere between Kansas City, MO and Chandler, AZ. Inquire within.

STOLEN: Will the asshole who keeps stealing the nifty fluorescent light bulbs from the fixture on the front of the house please fucking cut it out. Those things don't grow on trees, you know. The thefts appear to occur on Wednesdays, which is the same day the "undocumented immigrant" landscaping crew half-assedly scapes our land. If you are an un-neighborly neighbor, return the bulbs to our front gate; if you are an un-American, mail them postage-paid from Mexico—but don’t use the United States Postal Service. Inquire within.

13 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

That sucks! But you're funny about it all. I just don't trust UPS nor landscaping crews... I know, I'm strange that way! ;-)

Attila The Mom said...

I'd hide at a strategically located window with a shotgun full of rock salt and give the lightbulb thief an assful.

I mean you've narrowed down the time and location.

But if Martha is otherwise occupied and can't do the dirty work, you could always remove the bulb on Wednesday mornings and stick a note up there that says, "Gotcha, the INS is filming you!" In spanish.

But then again, you might have to pay for a "documented" crew to half-assedly landscape your property then. LOL

I'd go with the rock salt.

Kim Ayres said...

Superb :)

Stella said...

Yeah rock salt sounds good to me.

Mary Witzl said...

I'm in awe over Attila the Mom's response. I wish I could afford to hire her to come over here and sort out my problems. Maybe she could figure out which kid keeps failing to replace the toilet paper roll and devise a fitting punishment. I've just about given up...

Ages ago, someone used to whip our apartment building's hall lightbulbs in New York. I can't remember what we did; I think we just stumbled around in the dark and cursed a lot. I don't think you can do rock salt in New York.

Pendullum said...

Hope there is some sort of justice...

Mel said...

I'm with Attila - rock salt.

Charlie said...

SP: I'm funny about it because they're regular annoyances of life: The post office cannot read number and street names even in their own handwriting, and some hovel in Mexico has "gone green" with my lightbulbs.

MOM: After two years or so, I'm still not sure if you're a sociopath or just giving good motherly advice.

The INS is the last bunch to catch illegals: Homeland Insecurity, you know.

And the homeowner's association contracts for the people who scape our land. They only do the front or else I'd be out four bulbs instead of one. I've since put in good ole 60 watters out front and no one has laid a finger on them.

So rock salt is the best alternative, but here in the desert it's tough to come by, as well as snow shovels and windshield ice scrapers. I suppose we could lob cheap sunglasses at them . . .

KIM: An unusually verbose comment from you. I don't own an OED, but I'm thinking "superb" in proper English means, "I smiled once."

STELLA: You must be the Irish version of Attila.

MARY: You womenfolk are vicious!

About your toilet paper enigma. Has the hubby been, er, "eliminated" as a suspect? My advice, which isn't worth 2 cents (and going down) is to carry your own personal roll with you, perhaps in a backpack with your other valuables. Then it's the hell with the rest of them until they learn responsibility.

You must have lived in a swanky part of NY, like the upper Fifties. The old buildings still aren't wired for electricity. Or did you live in the subway tunnels? They have lightbulbs.

PEN: Thanks for stopping by--I loved your last two essays.

Yes, justice will be served when Judge Attila shows up with her arsenal.

MEL: At least my lightbulb incident isn't nearly as serious as the dumbass who cut the tree down in front of your apartment. Too bad you weren't home with a fifty-pound bag of rock salt.

Lola Magnolia said...

I'm going to the post office in the morning to mail a few things. I'll inquire about your missing stamps and ask them if anyone their mistakenly shoved them up their asses instead of sending them to you.

With regards to your missing bulbs...I can totally relate. Last year my landscaper's illegals stole, get this, my daughter's sunflower plant. I know they did it, they know they did it, do you think anyone 'fessed up? We had just returned home from our spring break vacation and her plant had just blossomed into this magnificent sunflower when 'POOF', it "magically" disappeared...right as the landscapers were finished and left my property. Such a coincidence, lemme' tell you. Rrrrr.

Charlie said...

LOLA: Sunflowernapping is a new one on me. They must have had another yard to plant it in because what do you do with a dead sunflower?

I don't know what state you live in, but if they have the death penalty I think they should warm up "Old Sparky."

(Proud of me, Mom?)

Kim Ayres said...

"Superb" in the Kim Ayres dictionary means I was grinning like an idiot all the way through, thoroughly enjoyed the post but didn't want to detract from it with rambling inanities.

Occasionally it means I can't be arsed to write anything, but still enjoyed it, although usually I'll then just leave a smiley face :)

On very rare occasions I'll just leave three dots ... to indicate I read it, was moved, but cannot think of anything meaningful to add.

But why I think anyone else might have a dictionary of Kim Ayres to interpret any of these things is just down to my own egomania and solipsism.

Mary Witzl said...

24th, between Third and Lexington. We used to like to pretend it was Gramercy Park...

KleinsteMotte said...

You wrote somewhere that comments on older posts are appreciated so here i land with a smile. Sad that someone needs to make a living stealing lightbulbs. Hope that situation has corrected itself.