Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Milepost #62

On June 2, 2009, I will be sixty-two-years-old. "So who the hell cares?" you're mumbling at your computer screen. Well I do because it means I will be an official old fart according to the Social Security Administration—and therefore eligible for early retirement.

“But you’ve been retired for five years!” you exclaim.

That’s true, except I’ve never been paid to sit on my retired ass for the last five years and do anywhere from little to nothing whilst sitting on it.

For the first time in my life, I am going to ask the United States of America for money. I figure if the banks can ask for $750,000,000,000.00 and get it with nary a whimper, then I can apply for a lousy $1,000.00 a month.

And the money is for a good cause, too. Starting July 1 (for June), the eagle will shit (an old military term for payday) straight into Martha’s savings account for her retirement or bingo, whichever comes first.

So just don’t sit there: congratulate me for both my anticipated largesse and my entry into old fartdom.

NOTE: If anyone needs me for the next month or two I'll be busy filling out application forms—just like the banks did. **wink, wink**


Koolio said...

If you don't mind Charlie, I think I'll congratulate Martha. It sounds like she's got the better deal. ;)

Wandering Coyote said...

Um, congrats.

Stinkypaw said...

Better watch it! Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself doing so, you know, like a paper cut or something of the sort... Then you could ask for invalidity or something ;-)

Oh yeah, and congrats, old fart! xox

Attila The Mom said...

Congrats! Are you giving out bonuses?

Mel said...

Happy birthday!!!!

Meg said...

Congratulations on entering old fartdom. Sounds like a blast.

(Tee-hee - blast. I would say "no pun intended", but it was totally intended)

Charlie said...

What a bunch of sweet young ladies!

KOOL: You're right. I don't do bingo.

WC: Um, thanks. I still think that thing looks like a beaver caller.

SP: Don't worry. Martha doesn't let me have paper, crayons, and especially scissors.

MOM: Bonuses are given only when you're fired for incompetence, like $21 mil for the guy at GM.

Or maybe I mean incontinence.

MEL: You're a little early, but thanks. Do you think the yummy cake you baked will survive until June 2nd?

MEG: IF it is any of your business, I have NOT released gas since 1992 or 93--I forget. It's the dogs, always the dogs.

I bet you cracked yourself up when you typed that, didn't you.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I cannot WAIT to retire! Do you mind if I live vicariously through you for a few years?

Charlie said...

BB: Hi, Barbara! I have a sneaking suspicion that you have more than "a few years" before you retire, but be warned: I get really cranky if I don't get my naps.

Mary Witzl said...

I've got some years to go yet, but this is how I want to celebrate my retirement: with humor, generosity, and a (gentle dig) at the U.S. government. $750,000,000? What were they THINKing of?

Kim Ayres said...

In a strange bit of coincidence, my stepdaughter, Layla - you know the one - also has her birthday on June 2nd. And she'll be 26 this year, as you turn 62.

Charlie said...

MARY: Yes, it's tough getting paid to do nothing. Of course, that applies to government workers as well.

And you forgot three zeros on the $750 billion. I thought showing the actual number was more dramatic than writing, uh, $750 billion.

KIM: I believe that most of the exceptional people in this world were born on June 2nd.

And Layla—one of my fave Clapton tunes.

If you take 62 and subtract 26, you will get a number that is divisible by 9. It always works on transposed numbers.

Tiffin said...

Just dropping by to see how you and the worms are doing. Tom Rush...gosh. We don't get our old age pension until we're 65 in Canada. The Canada Goose (our national bird) is not as loose as your eagle. So enjoy it. Isn't retirement splendid?

Charlie said...

TUI: I'm really happy you stopped by! 62 is early retirement in the U.S. and the monthly stipend is lower. And depending on when a person is born, their full benefit age may be 65, 67, or even 70. It's all very complex, as only the government can make it.