Friday, May 22, 2009

Mr. Badwrench

No one has ever accused me of being handy or a do-it-yourselfer, as these two vignettes attest.

INSTALLING THE LIGHT FIXTURE

“Are you sure the power is off, Charlie?”
“The power is off because I personally turned it off.”
“Yes, but are you sure the power is off?”
“The power is off because I personally turned it off. And to prove it, I can touch these two bare wires together and [Really loud POP with a big blue flash!]
”Uh, I don’t think the power is off, Charlie.”
“The power is off because I personally turned it off myself. But since I forgot to turn the power off, the explosion turned it off for me. By the way, do you smell something burning?”
“Yeah, your hair is on fire. Throw some water on it while I call the electrician.”


FIXING THE CLOCK

“The clock on the living room wall says it’s 5:53,” Martha announced with her hands on her hips—you know, the female stance that says, "I'm really pissed, buster."
“Yeah, so?” I replied.
“Its said 5:53 for three months.”
“Yeah, so? What’s your point?”
“The clock isn’t working.”
“Did you give it a couple of taps? Spin the hands around? It’s probably just stuck.”
“It isn’t stuck. It needs a new battery.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the clock isn’t working.”
“Give it a shot of WD-40. That’ll fix it. WD-40 fixes everything.”
“It doesn’t need WD-40. And don’t you dare suggest duct tape. It needs a new battery.”
“What size battery?”
“How the fuck do I know what size battery?”
“Battery size is crucial, elst the clock won’t work.”
“The clock doesn’t work now.”
“There you go, then. Tell you what. Get the caulking gun from the garage . . . Martha? Sweetheart? Lover lips? Where’d ya go? I'm just trying to HELP, you know.”

.

14 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, how you crack me up!

You can call me Sara or a(n) . . . said...

No duct tape?? Pshaw! That stuff fixes everything. Fixed the time on my clock radio at least. ;)

Btw, is the First Book of Testicles before or after Genesis? I can never remember. :D

Kim Ayres said...

Superb Charlie :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

We seem to share house fixing methods. There's nothing I can't "fix" with my trusty duct tape and butter knife.

Meg said...

Haha. WD-40 and duct tape. Sounds like the place where I grew up.

Charlie said...

WC: I would suggest duct tape for those crack ups.

SARA: It fixed the time? Wow, you must buy the good stuff.

As for your question, the 1st Book of T. is after Genesis (I have their "best of" CD), but before the 2nd Book of T.

KIM: Thanks. It does my heart good when I see that big happy grin on your face.

BARBARA: Hmm, a butter knife. We don't have anything fancy like that around here.

Sometimes a flashlight helps, especially when you're farting around inside a dark computer trying to "fix" it.

MEG: Your dad obviously knew what he was doing.

You can call me Sara or a(n) . . . said...

Yep, just slapped some tape over the face of it, so now I don't have to worry about the time.

What, no 3rd Book of T? :P

Charlie said...

SARA: Very ingenious. Your clock must be a fine-looking appliance.

There cannot be a 3rd Book--has anyone ever explained the facts of life to you?

Attila The Mom said...

Sooooo, where does Martha hang her halo? LOL

You can call me Sara or a(n) . . . said...

Oh, yes. Nothing says classy like duct tape. ;)

(scratches head) Someone might have, but I don't remember. I learned most of my bird and bees stuff from the Guinness World Records Book and medical deformity journals. Verrry informative--and gave me nightmares for years.

Tiffin said...

Sara, you and my son sound like a match. When he was a sprat he took a large roll of duct tape to camp. Said he knew it would come in handy. Well, it did. He duct taped a bully to a tree for an hour or so. He travelled across Canada in his vintage mustang last year, duct taping his supper somewhere in the engine area to heat it up as he rolled along.

Charlie, we're doing a bathroom reno at the moment. Just stay right where you are, ok? No, really, we don't need a hand.

Charlie said...

TIFFIN Boy, those must have been tasty dinners with gasoline sauce on them.

And you know, I'd really like to HELP with the bathroom. I have a caulking gun out in the garage and bathrooms need lots of caulking, elst there's leakages . . .

Tiffin said...

Heavily wrapped in tin foil THEN taped. He read about in online and decided to try it.

Oh gawd, caulk...arrrggghhh!!!! No, this is a down to the lathe rebuild of a 40 year old bathroom. You just sit right there and relax!
T.

Charlie said...

TUI: OK, if you can get along without my HELP, then I think I'll just sit right here and relax.

Have I told you that relaxing is one of my fave hobbies?