Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Read All About It


Martha detests the way I read the newspaper. I look at a headline, read the first one or two sentences, and then I explode into a million little brain pieces.

“LISTEN TO WHAT THIS ASSHOLE’S DONE NOW!” I shriek, and then I yell all the parts that piss me off. More often than not I sum up the article with a stern lecture, take a gulp of orange juice for my sore throat, and then move on to the next headline. “LISTEN TO WHAT THIS ASSHOLE’S DONE NOW!” I shriek, and I’m off on the lecture circuit again.

I suspect that I'm irritating. Why I have to shriek and yell I have no idea; perhaps I am constitutionally unable to whisper my outrage. The bloom isn’t exactly on Martha’s rose at 5:30 in the morning. The poor thing likes to snooze over her first three cups of coffee and there I sit, bellowing at her like an un-milked cow. It’s a wonder she hasn’t put tarantula poison in my Lucky Charms, which would not be at all lucky for me. We drive the guy at the newspaper office nuts. She calls and stops our subscription, I call back and start it again, then she calls him back, and then I . . .

Lately, Martha has been giving the paper a bath in the lawn sprinklers before she brings it in the house. “Dammit, the paper is soaked again!” she says, shaking her head while holding the bone-dry crossword and sudoku puzzles behind her back. It’s amazing how innocent she looks when she’s lying through her teeth. It scares me because somewhere within my beloved lies the homicidal heart of a cold-blooded, newspaper-screaming husband-dismemberer.

Perhaps a mild sedative and some blood pressure stuff would help me deal with reality . . .

13 comments:

Meg said...

That's how I read the paper, too. Except I'm not quite as loud.

Wandering Coyote said...

I don't get a daily paper, only a weekly version of the local rag. I yell at it regularly because it's mostly advertising for the local car dealerships.

kara said...

what manner of cave do you dwell in where the newspaper cannot be read upon the interwebs?

Mary Witzl said...

Kara stole my lines!

The only bad thing about reading the paper on the internet is that it isn't really the same as dripping coffee and dropping croissant crumbs on it. Plus, you don't have the satisfaction of lining your pets' boxes with the particularly dumb bits.

savannah said...

perhaps, y'all might try reading the paper after the missus has had her coffee? ;~D xox

Kim Ayres said...

We don't get the papers. Too dangerous for the blood pressure.

Charlie said...

MEG: Of course you're not as loud: you're not a maniac like I am.

WC: . . . And you see all these cars that you can't have. Either that or you have a thing about thieves advertising their lies . . .

KARA: I do not live in any manner of a cave; I live in any manner of a dump. FYI,

1. I am not about to fuck around with the Innertube at the crack of dawn with flashing ads and "take this poll" and other junk that makes me throw up.

2. Old farts prefer paper to all this new-fangled computer stuff--next thing I know, you'll be telling me you read books on that Kindle thing.

2. Since my computer is a desktop, I would not be able to take the sports section into the crapper with me.

MARY: So you almost joined the smartass club. Thanks, "friend."

And all the bits are particularly dumb. The writing is horrendous.

SAVANNAH: If I wait that long, old news is no news.

KIM: The voice of reason, as usual.

Stinkypaw said...

I don't read the paper, it's always bad news anyway...

Just a grail said...

HA!
That is how I read the newspaper, and the online news and also how I watch TV and movies.

This is also why my kids hate hanging out with me and I am scared I will never marry again.

Hmmmmm

Charlie said...

STINKY: You are a wise woman.

GRAIL: I think you need a much stronger mild sedative than I do, but stay away from men when you're whacked out: after a while, they all look good.

Marie Jarrell said...

Luckily for you newspapers are going the way of the pay phone. Don't get mad, get even. Buy a golf course next to a car dealership and have at it.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

somewhere within my beloved lies the homicidal heart of a cold-blooded, newspaper-screaming husband-dismemberer - the same can be said of pretty much any wife.

Charlie said...

MARIE: Now that sounds like some good clean fun. Problem is, the car dealerships are going the way of the newspapers going the way of the pay phone.

BARBARA: Thank you for putting me at ease about the "fairer" sex--to tell the truth, I'm scared to death of women.