Wednesday, October 14, 2009

50 Things I've Never Had

This is not a meme because there is only one of me-singular, not plural-therefore, it is simply a me. I wonder who came up with that stupid term in the firstfirst placeplace.

50 Things I've Never Had

1. A dream where nothing happens. Mine are all Spielberg/Lucas blockbusters with THX surround scream.

2. Pistachio ice cream.

3. A bunny.

4. Bunny slippers.

5. A heavy metal record album. Mine are all made of light-weight vinyl.

6. A rap album made out of anything.

7. Sex on top of the refrigerator. I’m afraid of heights.

8. A riding lawn mower.

9. A lawn on which to ride a riding lawn mower.

10. Road kill.

11. Garden kill from the riding lawn mower I don’t have.

12. Ringworm.

13. Crop circles.

14. The vapors.

15. PMS.

16. A broken bone.

17. Remedial English. I only know American.

18. An infant of my own.

19. A child of my own.

20. A teenager of my own that I wish belonged to someone else.

21. Tuba lessons.

22. A personally autographed bible.

23. Labor pains.

24. A job that didn’t give me a pain.

25. Breast implants.

26. A firearm.

27. My arm on fire.

28. Just one potato chip.

29. Just one beer.

30. Cocktail hour.

31. Distemper.

32. Rabies.

33. Chest hair.

34. Farah Fawcett’s hair.

35. An Afro.

36. The heartbreak of psoriasis.

37. Capri pants.

38. A military mind.

39. A bureaucratic mind.

40. A clusterfuck (see numbers 39 and 40 in triplicate).

41. Anything designer. I don't do status or free advertising.

42. Anything made of Spandex.

43. An ability to sing.

44. An ability to dance.

45. An ability to sing while dancing, or to dance while singing.

46. Erectile dysfunction.

47. In-laws who like me.

48. A tattoo (because I was never a drunken sailor on shore leave in the South Seas.)

49. A life-long friend.

50. A hero.

[Feel free to steal!]

UPDATE: Other lists to check out!

Wandering Coyote

Barbara Zombie

A Compulsive Liar




Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well then. Bravo on #46.

But you've truly never had pistachio ice cream? You must correct that.

Charlie said...

BARBARA: You're a smartass Zombie, you know that?

Diane said...

LOL....No Labor Pains?? You don't know what you've missed...LOL

Wandering Coyote said...

What a great meme! I love it! #36 was hilarious! The Wasband had psoriasis, so I kinda know what it's like!

Wandering Coyote said...

My list is up!

Stinkypaw said...

Loved #22 and I have a #48 even if I'm no sailor! Almost sounds like I'm ordering Chinese or something... Good list, or should I say "me"?

Kim Ayres said...

A meme is a self perpetualting idea - like a gene, only it doesn't necessarily require mating to continue. For example, a religion that says you must convert people and are not allowed to use contraception is likely to become more prevalent that one which practices celebracy and becoming a hermit.

So anything that says "pass this on to 15 other bloggers" is a meme.

Meanwhile, I think I once got perilously close to #34

Robert the Skeptic said...

I made an agreement with Kara to break rule 48 if I am still alive at age 80. Do you know, is one sedated for that procedure?

Tiffin said...

I think sex on top of the fridge is highly overrated (I'm afraid of heights too). This "me" rates high on the absurditron scale. I want to do one and I don't have a blog!

Shellie (Layers of Thought) said...

Man you are missing out on the pistachio ice cream. I mean really!

Anonymous said...

Google is a bastid today. But that's beside the point. You should try pistachio ice cream, really.

Mary Witzl said...

Everybody's right about pistachio ice cream, you know. But as for ringworm and labor pains, you're not missing out.

Jimmy Bastard said...

#45 is a must Charlie, but #46 doesn't even bear thinking about.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Eating pistachio ice-cream whilst taking tuba lessons in a tattoo parlour. I could see Clark Gable doing that.

Peter S. said...

Hi, Charlie! LOL at the "just one beer" bit. I can't have just one too.

And why haven't you had pistachio ice cream? It's a wonderful flavor -- subtle but satisfying.

kara said...

i've never had pistachio ice cream either. i'm also curious as to who thought that pistachios would make good ice cream but not, say, walnut. seems wrong.

Meg said...

I tried to pick a favorite line, but I liked them all.