Monday, November 30, 2009

Managing My Phobias


I, like all normal people, have a healthy assortment of phobias.

I have acrophobia (the fear of high places), as in puking my guts out when I peek over the railing at Hoover Dam.

I have hydrophobia (the fear of water), as in drowning. My anxiety level tends to increase steadily during the week until it peaks on Saturday nights, when Martha makes me take a bath—whether or not I need one.

I have claustrophobia (the fear of closed-in spaces), as in elevators and airplanes. Closets don’t bother me, though, because I’m used to sitting in them. Like whenever Martha says, “SIT in that closet, buster, until you are good and ready to EAT your Brussels sprouts!”

I have arachnophobia (the fear of spiders), as in, “DID YOU KILL THE FILTHY FUCKER, MARTHA? ARE YOU POSITIVE IT’S DEAD? POKE IT WITH THAT STICK THERE A FEW TIMES, JUST TO MAKE SURE!”

I’m pretty damn good, though, at keeping my phobias under control.

For acrophobia, I do not go up on the roof of our one-story house.

For hydrophobia, I piddle around in the sink a little to keep Martha happy. I also avoid birdbaths, puddles, and the North Sea.

For claustrophobia, I take the stairs instead of the elevator, unless the building is more than three stories tall, in which case I do not go in it at all because my acrophobia kicks in. I never travel, so there’s no reason to fly there.

And for arachnophobia, I spray nuclear spider killer stuff all over the place, including my important bits just to be extra safe. Everything glows an odd shade of green in the dark, but that’s okay—I’m not afraid of green.

Okay, okay, I confess. I am a phobic mess, a one-man train wreck (siderodromophobia).

I am afraid of being tickled by feathers (pteronophobia), so I avoid pillow factories, Las Vegas showrooms, and chickens.

I am deathly afraid of my mother-in-law, so I’m pentheraphobic.

I am ephebiphobic because teenagers scare the shit out of me. Come to think of it, they scared the shit out of me when I was a teenager.

So how do I control these newly confessed phobias? I take the meds, man, I take the meds.



[An interesting website: The Indexed Phobia List]

22 comments:

kara said...

but do you have a phobia of phobias?

anyways...i'm selachophobic. apparently it's real.

Tiffin said...

Me too, Kara! Had them under my bed as a kid so I had to sleep right in the middle and god help me if a foot hung over. Won't go in the ocean past my ankles.

Charlie, this should get things hopping around here. I'm with you re heights.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I have all those phobias also... except I felt compelled to take up skydiving in my mid 40's. Yes, total fear of heights and skydiving did NOT cure that. But it did teach me I can conquer my fears if I want to.

The problem is I don't want to - so I have keep a Dust Buster nearby for those little crawly leggy things that give us all the creeps.

Pat said...

I don't reckon I have phobias although there was a quick intake of breath when I saw your post's photo.
It's a good job you have Martha and - if you must know - I have MTL because - voice it not in Ghent - I'm a scaredy cat too.
We are the truly brave for just getting up in the morning.

Alice said...

Not that I like bugs, but I usually don't hyperventilate until they get up to eight legs. We are currently under a centipede infestation. So multiply arachnophobia by 12 and add 4. Get it? Because they have "100" legs. Ha.

St Jude said...

I'm pretty ok with most things but I do suffer from Coulrophobia and they do crop up in the most stupid locations. Oh sorry that is 'clowns', I have been know to run screaming from them. Even thinking about them is making me shake.

Charlie said...

KARA & TUI: I had to look that one up: a fear of sharks.

Huh. And you both have men in your life.

ROBERT: I suppose we could all conquer our fears (except the mother-in-law one), but I'm with you: Dust Busting is a whole lot easier than working at it.

PAT: Wise words, Pat. The world, and what's going on in it, is scary all by itself.

ALICE: 100 legs: You must have a fear of the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall in NYC.

ST JUDE: Clowns are a common phobia, and I almost used one for my graphic. Movies haven't helped their image, and please don't read Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes--which I'm sure you have.

Diane said...

No that photo scares the HELL out of me...poor baby doesn't have a clue. I only have a "fear of heights" pretty much.

Shellie (Layers of Thought) said...

Lol!
I'm not going to look at that list until I have tons of time to really and truly figure out how sick I really am.

I just emailed a copy of this post to John - he hates Spiders... this should be really funny.

mapstew said...

I get that 'puke me guts up' thing at heights too! Not nice. Not nice at all! I even get sick if I see OTHER people up on something high!

Don't mind spiders though.
Or feathers.

(My guitar player has a fear of toes!)

Kim Ayres said...

Do you think there's quite a large pile of puke at the bottom of the Hoover Dam from everyone throwing up over the edge?

koonsmother said...

OK, I'm never coming here again. I will have nightmares about that poor little tyke being turned to jelly to feed the next generation of spiders that will then take over the planet and ....AAAAAAUuuuuuuuughhhh.

Seriously, though, I peered over the edge of Hoover dam myself once. Was that YOUR mess down there?

Charlie said...

DIANE: That photo was from a site that promotes horror movies, so it's a fake.

You're lucky to have only one phobia. You must like Brussels sprouts and don't have to sit in the closet like I do.

SHELLIE: Sure, scare the hell out of your beloved. Do you have sleepingonthesofaphobia?

MAP: You're right about watching other people on something high up. My stomach was queasy all the time Martha was on a ladder painting the house.

It's a good thing your guitar player plays the guitar because he'd go berserk working in a shoe store.

KIM: Naw, I suspect all the cockroaches take care of that problem.

LINDA: Settle down, you're working yourself into a frenzy. The photo is FAKE.

And yes, that was probably my mess down there. I'm so ashamed that you had to look at it.

Your aren't really going to leave me, are you???

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I actually rather like spiders. I used to be afraid of wasps though, until I just learned to never go outdoors.

I can't really say I have any phobias, except maybe fear of making an ass of myself, but that's usually out of my control.

Kevin Musgrove said...

"ARE YOU POSITIVE IT’S DEAD? POKE IT WITH THAT STICK THERE A FEW TIMES, JUST TO MAKE SURE!”

This is why I have a fear of accidentally bumping into hen parties.

Mary Witzl said...

I'm not phobia free myself, but I AM a general wimp. So it evens out in the end.

The other day, we were having dinner when a HUGE tarantula walked right past the table. It was so big, we thought it was a rat at first. Just be thankful you weren't there!

Charlie said...

BARBARA: Never going outdoors to control your wasp phobia was probably quite effective.

Personally, I find that living under the bedcovers works quite well for most everything.

LOL at making an ass of yourself.

KEVIN: Your fear is a legitimate one—just ask Jimmy Bastard.

I think you would be getting off easy with a few pokes—a few poundings with a war club seems more realistic. 'Tis sacred ground, hen parties are.

MARY: The big tarantulas are the females.

Unfortunately, our neck of the no-woods is home to tarantulas. Fortunately, they aren't poisonous.

That's a moot point because I would have jumped in your arms, screaming, at the sight of your furry intruder.

Meg said...

Poor scared Charlie. Yay for meds. I have quite a few phobias as well. Most of them irrational such as ophthalmophobia. I'm slightly cynophobic, but only of big ones that look like they want to eat my face. You would think that fear of dogs would sound more like dogaphobia or something. Who comes up with these names?

Kim Ayres said...

You won't let me comment on your latest post so I'll have to put one here.

Take it easy :)

Pat said...

Dear Charlie MTL has a breath problem too so I'm sending lots of good wishes and second Kim's 'take it easy'. See ya soon.

Book Chick City said...

I *hate* spiders - I really can't look at the photo and can't believe you managed to put it on your blog! :) I hate man made heights, I don't vomit but my head swirls and I could pass out if I stay on a high bridge or something. I went to the Grand Canyon and thought I would do the Skywalk, what a disaster! I hate large bodies of water for fear of drowning, so will never go on a cruise of any kind, but my bath is ok :)

buy viagra said...

hello, I think you're not a very normal person, is the first time I see someone with so many phobias, of which you have I have only two hydrophobia and claustrophobia, which is the more I suffer claustrophobia, can not stand being locked even a minute, I feel like I'm going to die, I despair completely, in the last days I've been having some treatment to try and reduce this disease.