Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Charlie Does Bingo

Scribble, scribble, scribble . . .

* * * * *

CHARLIE NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO

“You know, Martha, I need to get out of the house for awhile. These white-on-the-bottom, green-on-the-top walls remind me of a penitentiary.”

“They wouldn’t be green-on-the-top if you hadn’t flung your spinach at them the other night.”

“I hate spinach.”

“Do you want to go to bingo with me?”

“I don’t know anything about dice.”

“That’s craps with the dice. Bingo is with numbers and it’s really easy; a whole lot of dumb people play it. And you get to use colored marking pens, too.”

“Numbers, huh? I know numbers. And I love colored marking pens. Are you sure it’s easy?”

“It’s a snap. TRUST me.”

CHARLIE LEARNS BINGO

“I thought you said we were going to bingo, Martha.”

“We are at bingo.”

“No we’re not. Lookit: there’s nothing but old ladies here. Hundreds of them, every place I look. You tricked me into coming to the church basement, didn’t you. And someone’s gonna start preaching at me from that funny-looking pulpit over there, aren’t they.”

“That’s the caller’s stand and this is a bingo parlor, you dumb shi . . . never mind—you already know it.”

“So teach me how to play. It’s easy, right?”

“It’s a breeze, just like I said. Now listen up and put that dauber down.”

“That what?”

“Dauber. For marking out your numbers. It’s a big marking pen, but they call it a dauber because you ‘daub’ the color over the numbers on your paper so you know that you have those numbers after the caller calls them. The caller shows each number, one at a time in the monitor, and then—”

“What monitor?”

“THE FIFTY FUCKING TELEVISION SETS HANGING ALL OVER THE PLACE, FOR CRISSAKES!”

“You don’t have to yell at me, you know. I can’t learn when you yell at me. Plus it scares me when your face gets all red, just like that dauber there. Why didn’t I get a red dauber, by the way? You bought me a green dauber when I really wanted a red dauber, but you bought me a green dauber anyway. What? Why are you staring at me like that? What? Maybe you should close your mouth before something nasty flies in there and reproduces.”

CHARLIE ACTUALLY PLAYS BINGO

Daub. Daubdaub. Daub. Daubdaubdaub. Rest a minute. Daubdaub. Daub. Daub.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m daubing. You told me to daub the numbers I have on my card, remember?”

“The number in the monitor is O-68. You’re daubing I-30. You’re supposed to daub O-68.”

“I don’t have O-68, so I’m doing I-30 instead.”

“You. Are. A. Dumb. SHIT!”

[Old lady chorus]
“SHHHHH! QUIET OVER THERE! SHUT THE HELL UP! TAKE THE CONVERSATION OUTSIDE, JERKWAD!”

“Geesus, who stepped on their wrinkled old tits? Why is everyone yelling at you, honey? This really is a church, isn’t it. You tricked me. But come to think of it, I’ve never heard old ladies cuss like that in church—unless I wasn’t listening. I do that in church, you know. I don’t listen. I sleep. Have you ever noticed how I do that? How I fall asleep in church? Boy, I sure wish I could figure out a way to fit preaching inside a pill for insomnia. Why, I’d be rolling . . .”

CHARLIE ON THE WAY HOME

“You think I’m a pain, don’t you. That I’m no fun.”

[Silence]

“You think I’m an asswad. Stupid. A clown. Childish. A dumb shit.”

[Silence]

“Well I’m not as dumb as you think, Missy.”

[Silence]

“I can always tell when you’re not talking to me because you don't say a word.

[Derisive snort]

CHARLIE GETS INTO HIS ¼ OF THE BED

“Will you start talking to me again if I agree to give you half of the $25,000 jackpot I won?”

[Derisive snore]

22 comments:

Pat said...

Total bliss!
I've been saving bingo like fishing for when I get older but that excitement is too tempting to resist.
I love the Martha and Charlie Show!

mapstew said...

Hey Charlie, you a funny man!

Bingo eh? :¬)

WV = bingust!! I kid you not!

(Like, coming away without a win and being nagged all the way home, then one might feel 'bingusted'!) :¬)

Wandering Coyote said...

Was this a non-smoking bingo hall you were at?

Buzzard said...

That's funny Sh.. Charlie. Love it.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Did you all have your Sunday best on? The women round here only ever dress up for bingo and Anne Summers parties.

TechnoBabe said...

That had a twist at the end. Funny.

Kim Ayres said...

:)

Tiffin said...

Another bingo definition: daubered
That's when you get the dauber in your third eye because you won the jackpot and Martha didn't.

You loon!

Ponita in Real Life said...

Hahahahaha! I laughed out loud at the that! Great one, Charlie... just super!

Stinkypaw said...

Ah! I see you get the same bed-ratio as my current husband! ;-)

Robert the Skeptic said...

I have never played Bingo, the rules are too complicated for me.

Charlie said...

PAT: The Martha & Charlie Show isn't quite as funny as Fry & Laurie's old bits, but we have our moments.

MAP: An excellent use of the WV with an example. Martha is often bingusted—I don't play, but she gets bingusted at herself.

WC No ciggies or cigars as I recall, but I think pot was OK.

BUZZARD: Thanks for the thumbs up.

KEVIN: It's just the opposite here: women dress down to play bingo. Unfortunately, many of the women who play can least afford it.

Charlie said...

TECHNO, KIM, & PON: Thanks for the smiles and kudos.

TUI: I'm not going to touch the third eye comment.

Its been a long time since anyone called me a loon--I miss it.

STINKY: If she's really angry, I get even less--it's a good thing I'm skinny and don't need much room.

ROBERT: Are you kidding? I have trouble with the rules to Chutes & Ladders.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I will talk to you for 1/4 of the jackpot! Besides, I think we are of similar bingo-playing ilk.

papa turtle said...

very funny.....did you know that bingo passes for gambling in ohio , but the buckeye passes for fruit too

savannah said...

i.would.die.

but y'all did make me laugh out loud, sugar! xoxoxox

Stella said...

ROFL

Charlie said...

BARB: What a good friend you are! You'll talk to me for 6,250 US bucks. Will you make me a sammich too?

PAPA T: Yes, bingo is gambling in most every state. Licenses, lots of regulations, but not a big money-maker for the house.

I have a dental question: Is the tooth fairy real?

SAVANNAH: We're dancers, not bingo players.

STELLA: It's so good to hear you laugh!

Tiffin said...

Oh cripes...I meant the one on your forehead. You loon again.

papa t said...

Of course the tooth fairy is real my granddaughter told me so

Charlie said...

PAPA T: I'm glad to hear that--it will make a four-year-old little girl I know very happy. She is on a scientific quest to prove that fairies exist.

lisleman said...

that was more fun than bingo