Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ripped from the Newpaper

While my Creativity Generator is in the shop for a tune-up and a bit of a rest, this post is some silliness I received by email. Chances are you’ve seen some or all of them floating around the innertubes, but they illustrate the demise of journalism and the extinction of the copy editor.

In the email, each of the following headlines, news items, or classifieds was an actual reproduction of the headline, news item, or classified, leaving little doubt that they are true. I’ve chosen to present them in a list format because (1) I love lists and (2) the post would be four miles (6.43737 km) long otherwise.



HEADLINES

"Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says"

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25"

A columnist: "One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers"

"Fish need water, Feds say"

"County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds"

"Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum"

"Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison"

"Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons"

"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks"

NEWS ITEMS

"An Austrailian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camoflage. Police are seeking public help to find the four-wheel drive, ..."
* * *
From the Police Blotter: "5:00 p.m. — Police were called to Market Square for a report about a 'suspicious coin.' Investigating officer reported it was a quarter."
* * *
From another Police Blotter: "Dog Attack — Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records."
* * *
"Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual.

" 'I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something' she said ..."
* * *

CLASSIFIEDS

---------------
FULL SIZE Mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40. CALL ...
---------------
FOR SALE - collection of old people. CALL ...
---------------
HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200 OBO. Dr. Scott Tyler, ...
---------------
1995 NISSAN Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.
---------------
TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady. Call ...
---------------

If my Creativity Generator wasn't on the fritz I might have a snarky comment or two to make. But I'll leave that up to you, fellow Creativists. Lettuce have a real darn good turn-out for this one because I could use a good laugh.


[Thanks, as always, to Joyce in Panama for blog fodder.]

33 comments:

Fay's Too said...

thanks for the laugh!

savannah said...

you had me at ripped from the newspaper, sugar! :~D thanks for the laughs. xoxoxoxo

Diane said...

I needed that; thanks Charlie!

Jerry said...

Yes...In Praise of Stupidity...gives us reason to unfold the paper in the morning.

lisleman said...

The police reports are always good for a few because there will always be dumb criminals.
For some reason that I have not figured out many live in Wisconsin, like the woman I post about that was shooting darts at people.
thanks

kara said...

yesterday i saw a chick walking down the street with a raccoon tail sticking out of her jeans. you want a laugh, just hang out here for a while.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I personally am SHOCKED that teen pregnancies decrease after age 25. What's their secret?

Attila The Mom said...

"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks"

I can't stop laughing. I think I broke something. ;-)

TechnoBabe said...

Tiger Woods isn't the only one!!
The duck and dogs struck me as funny. I don't know why, just my strange humor I suppose. I did not know you are supposed to get dressed up to go to WalMart!

Tiffin said...

Hah! It won't be so funny when that duck calls his lawyer. Wait until those dogs get the bill for that one!

I know...I should be shot. And I think that's my quarter.

laytonwoman3rd said...

If Tiger had continued to play with his own balls, he wouldn't be in such a mess now, would he?
(Oh come on....somebody HAD to say it.)

Charlie said...

FAY, SAVANNAH, & DIANE: Y'all are welcome.

JERRY: You know, I don't even read the paper anymore. They even screw up the sudoku puzzle sometimes with a wrong starting number. How outrageous.

L-MAN: It must have something to do with the cheese. Constipation can make people do strange things.

KARA: Yes, Portland has its share of looney tunes too. But really, they're all over the place. I saw a woman with about six sheets of toilet paper sticking out of the back of her skirt, just flapping in the breeze like a flag.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Our own local news rag ran a story about some offensive drawings that were distributed to resident's mail boxes, the line said: "... police are attempting to trace the drawings".

Another headline was about the need for teachers, I can't recall it exactly, but in huge type the newspaper headline spelled it "Techers".

Charlie said...

BARBARA: Since I'm not an OB-GYN I have absolutely no idea why that happens.

MOM: PLEASE tell me that you didn't break something really important. You're much too young to be a female eunuch.

BABE: I liked that one too. But where have you been in the fashion world? I understand that skin-fitting sweats with butt crack showing is all the rage at Walmart. Now that is dressy!

Charlie said...

TUI: What's more, the duck will probably hire some sleazy ambulance chaser from a TV ad. Poor doggies.

You haven't time to be shot—it's gardening season.

And that's not your quarter because it's mine. No, wait. I'm not allowed to carry money because I spend it. You may keep it for your nest egg.

LINDA: Ah, finally some real snark! The thing of it is, it's twue, it's twue.

ROBERT: Thanks for the additional excellent rips. Did I say something about the extinction of copy editors?


Martha doesn't comment, but she was in here last night laughing at the tombstone for Grady.

papa t said...

the headlines are great but aspecial thankyou for telling me about S#$& My Dad Said really have laughed out loud

Charlie said...

PAPA: I'm glad you got the book. I'm reading it for a second time to do a book review, but I can't choose the best 2 or 3 quotes—there's just too many of them!

flying eagle woman said...

:-) MY FAVORITE "fish need water, feds say"
THANKS FOR THE BIG LAUGH!!!!
Shawna

hope said...

I was trying to think of a witty reply when I saw your "A few clowns short" button and totally cracked up.

I'm right to vacation here. Who needs laundry duty? :) Thanks for the giggles.

Philip said...

luvverly. Thanks for the laughs. My own favourite headline is my local paper once announced "man killed in pilchard alert death". there's a weird short story in there somewhere......

Madame DeFarge said...

Outrageously bad and funny. Thank heavens for the demise in educational standards: keeps us amused for hours.

Shellie - Layers of Thought said...

Okay folks.. I'm just signing up here for the funny follow up.

Charlie where did you steal this post..you couldn't have come up with all of those headlines now...I know you subscribe to a joke think tank!

Frances said...

Charlie: Some of those could have been written by a local, naive crook. He stole a cheque book, passed a couple of dud cheques, and was nabbed because he wrote his real name and address on the back of them,

Tiffin said...

I can't believe you didn't peck me on the beak for the duck/bill pun.

Unknown Mami said...

Thanks for the chuckles.

Kim Ayres said...

Or as I saw once - "Balding, overweight middle-aged man seeks Pamela Anderson Lookalike"

Charlie said...

SHAWNA: I think the same Feds say we need fire to cook with and air to breathe. Very useful info.

HOPE: The hell with the laundry. The button is Lisleman's and it links to his fun blog.

Philip: Once I looked up the definition of pilchard (a small fish), your headline was funny. I suspect pilchards are harmless, as opposed to an alert for a school of great white sharks.

MADAME: I hate to agree with you, but I do. "Dumbing Down" has a certain fascination to it.

SHELLIE: All of the healines, etc. came from my friend Joyce. I did not make any of them up.

Charlie said...

FRANCES: A good one. As someone else mentioned, crooks do not belong to Mensa. Planning and more planning is the ticket.

TUI: The reason I didn't peck you is because I completely missed it. I apologize, but you do know that my Creativity Generator (and Recognizer) is in the shop this week.

MAMI: You're always welcome to a chuckle. Take two, in fact—they're small.

KIM: That is an odd one. I wonder why Pammie doesn't float with all that helium in her chesticles.

Wandering Coyote said...

Well, I don't have anything terribly creative to say myself, but I do LOVE your new template! Very spiffy! I hope your creativity generator comes out of the shop soon.

Charlie said...

WC: I was starting to worry that you had abandoned me to the wolves, but here you are bringing up the rear. The last but not least.

Thanks for noticing my new layout—still tweaking it until I screw something up. And I have real tabs, too!

The fixit guy just called and my refurbished Creativity Generator is ready for pick-up. Gotta go get it.

Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, I would never abandon you to any wolves, Charlie! I am just...not into sitting in front of my computer so much these days...You know, new couch & everything. I don't know...Blogging is a bit bleh for me right now. But I would never abandon you!

Yeah, the layout is sharp and I love the tabs.

Buzzard said...

Thanks Charlie, for your kind words and also for the laughs.

I think I need to call the police, I have crack in the same place!!

Charlie said...

WC: Thank you for not throwing me to the wolves. There are a lot of barracudas out there, though, so I understand your reluctance to sit, stand, or kneel at the computer.

Looks like we're going to have to revert to email—IF you have the computer on, and IF it beeps at you.

BUZZ: Don't worry about calling the cops—I did it for you already. Hello? Buzzard? Hello?