Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Johnnies, Doctors, and Hypochondria



How in the world of hospital fashion did this schlump get a johnnie with a tie in back?

To all the rest of us who never get a tie:

Edgy Poetry

Some women topless dance,
Through hospital corridors
I bare-assed prance.

* * *

Charlie Goes to the Doctor
A Fable

"Holy shit, Doctor, I think I have Diversion of the Spleen with Morbid Aftermath! And if that's not bad enough I have a sniffle, and you know how prone I am to Chillblains with Frozen Consequences!

"You've been reading your Guide to Every Disease, Disorder, and Discomfort Ever Known (and Not Known) to Mankind, Complete with Handy Checklists, Charts, And Cheat Sheets, 89th Edition, Revised again, haven't you, Charles."

"Uh, yes sir."

The doctor was really nice when he threw me out of his office with instructions to never come back. He even sent along a note, stapled to my shirt, to Martha:

Dear Mrs. Callahan,

Here is a prescription for Charles.

1. PLEASE throw away his Guide to Every Disease, Disorder, and Discomfort Ever Known (and Not Known) to Mankind, Complete with Handy Checklists, Charts, And Cheat Sheets, 89th Edition, Revised.

2. Better yet, have a bonfire for it with kielbasa-on-a-stick and a little potato salad.

3. Put him to bed—preferably in a hospital johnnie with no tie in back.

4. Keep him there.

5. If he happens to get bedsores then, for the first time in his life, he will really have something to complain about.

With utmost compassion I am,

Your husband's former physician



MORAL OF THE STORY: If you haven't got it, don't complain about it. And be thankful.

31 comments:

Djan said...

But, Charlie, I MIGHT have it. Even doctors should stay away from books like that. Hypochondria runs in my family, I can't help it.

Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, Chuck, you are so full of chuckles.

TechnoBabe said...

I carry an extra safety pin for such situations so I can pin the back shut. I like your little Edgy Poetry.

Charlie Callahan said...

You are obviously a man of exquisite literary taste and thank you for the compliment, but I can only begin to emulate Sir Terry and Mr. Adams.

Kyle Jacobson said...

You are absolutely brilliant, right up there with Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams.

TragicallyFine.blogspot.com

Barbara said...

Aren't you glad that we can now use the internet to diagnose all our imaginary diseases! So much more efficient.

Charlie Callahan said...

You have wonderful taste in poetry, Madame.

I don't know, but you seem more like the sciatica type to me.

Charlie Callahan said...

A lot of the time, we're the last one to know that we have a problem—OR, we ignore it.

Charlie Callahan said...

Of course not. Feel free to complain all you want.

Charlie Callahan said...

Bless her heart, Map.

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes, you MIGHT have it, but I don't want to hear about it. Especially the female stuff because I don't understand it.

Charlie Callahan said...

Wouldn't that be great: either email or call in your symptoms to the Doc?

And what were you making the bed out of? Something heavy, I suspect: maple, cherrywood.

Charlie Callahan said...

IF you can figure out what the drug is for, that is.

Because of those drug ads our drugs (1) cost more and (2) the people do the diagnosing instead of the doctor.

Charlie Callahan said...

You are obviously a woman of taste and breeding if you like my poetry—99% of our peer humans do not.

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes.

Charlie Callahan said...

Chuck? Who the hell is Chuck, lady?

Charlie Callahan said...

Yeah, and you put it on your "Willie".

lisleman said...

Does anyone know how many extra misdiagnosed people are the result of all these drug ads on TV?
Watch these ads and you'll be sure you need the drug.

Faysoflife said...

But i'm so very good at complaining. It's what I do!
Love your poetry, by the way. Brought a tear to my eye.

Alice said...

Webmd.com is better than any hardbound reference guide anyway. "If none of these...click here for 20 more possible ways you could be dying."

I was mad that nobody told me you could wear one of those things backwards like a robe over top of one that was closed in the back when I walked down to get my baby from the nursery. Those things should come with instructions.

hope said...

Ah, so easy for those Docs to say. :) I say they should have to serve time in one of those outfits. :)

Madame DeFarge said...

Like the poem. I suspect that I'll be one of those people who ignore that they're ill until the last minute. I probably have Dengue fever and don't know it.

Sharon said...

Oh.... does that mean my self-diagnosed treble pneumonia is really only a sniffle?

Ponita said...

Being a nurse, I get asked to diagnose stuff all the time. Can't legally do that, you now.

But I was right when my niece emailed me a pic of her daughter's spotty torso... measles.

I'll dispense medical advise, but what you do with it is your own bloody problem!!! I take no responsibility for what happens thereafter. ;-)

Eryl said...

Does that mean I have to stop complaining about the price of fashionable clothes?

Robert the Skeptic said...

Yeah it's great at this age to get together with friends... there are always the medical procedures and visits to catch each other up on, so there is no shortage of topics for conversation.

I have stopped looking up my symptoms on the web, they always indicate some terminal condition and just gets me depressed. Although I did pick out the spiffy new heart valve I want for my next major surgery. I think I saw it on Amazon.Com - it got great reviews!!

Kim Ayres said...

Like Map, my immediate thought was of condoms (they don't seem to have ties at the back either...), so I approached this article with extreme caution

The Good Cook said...

And sometimes, if you HAVE got it? Don't feel the need to share every detail.

Mapstew said...

Oh, and over here a 'Johnnie' is a condom! :¬)

Mapstew said...

Ma has been getting all the best diseases and conditions since as far back as I remember! If she read about it, or heard about it, then she HAD it! I think it's the complaining that has kept her alive this long! (She's 85!) :¬)

savmarshmama said...

duly noted, sugar!

*deleting email to doc about what i think is a hairline fracture of my forearm sustained while i was making the bed*

*removing bookmark to diagnosis by email*

xoxoxoxo