Monday, November 08, 2010

Odds & Ends, Mostly Odds

This is a regular monthly feature, except I haven't featured it since August, which means I'm not at all regular.

Lettuce see. September, October, this is November, which means three months since August, which further means a quarter of a year. A quarter!

This is a regular quarterly feature . . .

* * *

You might be uninterested to know that I had a palindromic experience in bed the other night. I opened one eye, looked at the digital clock on the dresser, and it said, "10:01". The numbers were blurry and I could have been reading them half-backward with one eye closed, but I don’t think so.

* * *

Irish's adoption mug shot
Identity crisis. Not mine but Irish’s, our little Pomeranian rescue dog. I have a tendency to call him Earl because, well, he looks like an Earl to me. When he’s in a yappy mood, I call him Bob Barker.

He doesn’t answer to Earl, and he certainly doesn’t answer to Bob Barker because he’s too damn busy barking to hear me. And that’s as it should be: the little guy only needs one name.

Since he has red hair and freckles, I thought Irish was a pretty good name. He slowly came around to it, especially once he associated it with his food bowl.

Now, if Martha would just stop calling him Beer Barrel and Pork Chop . . .

* * *

Speaking of Martha, I have my “holiday shopping” started and completed. I found exactly what I wanted using Google Images and Better Homes & Gardens website—a beautiful new melon baller!

And notice its intricate design—it almost looks like a hummingbird! Fifteen bucks, free shipping, made in China—heck, it should last a good two weeks before the baller breaks off the hummer—so how could I go wrong?

I’ll tell you how I could go wrong. Big time. Rule number 68,264 of Marriage for Male Dummies says, “NEVER give your wife kitchen appliances for her birthday, anniversary, or the ‘holidays’—elst you’ll find yourself sleeping in the doghouse with Pork Chop.”

I’ll let you know how things turn out in the next monthly quarterly whenever issue of Odds & Ends when I’m rooming with my good buddy, Earl.
 

47 comments:

Faysoflife said...

Thank you soooooo muchalary for making me laugh. I needed it!

Kim Ayres said...

Rule 68,264???
It was made explicitly clear to me that this was rule number 3...

Pat said...

That's the prettiest melon baller but I think you are probably right about its longevity.
Irish is very cuddlesome too.
That's an important lesson you learned regarding kitchen appliances for gifts. Safe bets are jewelry, champers and chocolates. To be safe try all three:)

Djanstewart said...

I totally agree, as the female side of a matrimonial partnership. It sucks big time to get any kind of kitchen appliance. Of course, since my hubby is the cook in our duo, I make sure I never ever give him anything he might think means I want to him cook more. Instead, I give him things like gift certificates to REI, which he loves. :-)

trina said...

Can you send me a copy of the Marriage for Male Dummies! I need it in my household! lol

trina
www.mommeville.com

lisleman said...

hey thanks for the quarterly review. Well if you ended getting even cozier with Earl/Irish/Pork Crop/Beer Barrel you might start calling the dog even more names in the middle of the night. Does the dog house come with an alarm clock?

Kid-at-heart said...

Would Martha even WANT to ball melons? I'm just asking.

laytonwoman3rd

Deanna Schrayer said...

Hi Charlie! I must apologize for not being around in a while. No good reason and I won't offer excuses...

You absolutely crack me up. The rule about not buying the wife appliances for any occassion is a good one. For my birthday my husband, (before we were even married), bought me a vacuum cleaner, yes, a vacuum cleaner! You'd think I would've learned right then and there but no, I still married him. Bless his heart. I now have to not only buy my own gifts but also wrap them and wait until "the day" to open them. Ah well, at least I always get what I want!

barbara said...

thank god you came to your senses on the melon baller issue. Pork Chop doesn't look like he'd be too willing to scootch over and make room in the dog house.

Wandering Coyote said...

I hope Martha doesn't read your blog and ruin her surprise! Irish is such a sweetie...What would we do without our pet friends? As you know, Juno is the light of my life, though these past few days she's too lazy to get off the couch and sleep all over me like usual. I must be in the dog house for some perceived slight...

unknownmami said...

Yeah, I can't think of anything I would want less than a mellon baller except maybe a feather duster.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I cannot reveal to you what image came to mind when you mentioned "melon baller". Mothers, lock your fruit safely away.

Charlie Callahan said...

You are muchalarily welcome. I'm sorry, though, that you need a laugh. All I do is take a look in the mirror and that fixes me right up.

Charlie Callahan said...

You're absolutely right, Kim. For some reason I got the two mixed up—there's so damn many to remember and keep track of.

Do we agree that Rule number 1 is "The female in any relationship is always, ALWAYS right?"

Charlie Callahan said...

Champers! That's a wonderful idea! Uh, what are champers?

Charlie Callahan said...

I think men like gift cards because we can get exactly what we want at our favorite toy stores like REI. I usually get Best Buy and Barnes & Noble. We don't care much about "personal."

I suspect you ladies don't like gift cards because of their non-personal nature. A card to Victoria's Secret and a box with a slinky silk nightie in it are two different things.

Charlie Callahan said...

How fast do you need it? If you're having a serious problem like housebreaking I can ,pdf you a copy of Rule number 17.

Charlie Callahan said...

"Does the dog house come with an alarm clock?"

No, but when you're living in a dog house there's no reason to get up. Or be alarmed.

Charlie Callahan said...

Er . . . Uh . . . Hmm . . .

Dammit, Linda, you out-smart-assed me again!

Charlie Callahan said...

No reason, Deanna, to apologize; I mean, how often do I get to your blog?

Some men, I believe, are missing the female-gift-buying gene. They try hard and they mean well, but every gift ends up being practical. Apparently you're married to one of those poor souls.

So. Do you act surprised when you open your packages?

Charlie Callahan said...

I am not a fruit molester! I repeat, I am not a fruit molester!

(Why does that line remind me of Richard Nixon?)

Charlie Callahan said...

If you're referring to Irish, just rub his chest and he'll scootch anywhere.

Charlie Callahan said...

1. Martha doesn't read my blog because she says it makes her nauseous.

2. Juno rules.

3. Don't you mean you must be in the cat house?

Charlie Callahan said...

Technically, it's not the gift but the thought that counts. But I have to agree—feather dusters are about as useless as they come.

lisleman said...

yeah I guess it would be hard to sleep in. I built a dog house once and it probably could fit a man in it. Luckily I never had to find out.

Charlie Callahan said...

Never had to find out, huh? You must be Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes around your house. Either that or you've only been married for ten minutes.

Macy said...

Earl is beyond cute! Can't work out form the adoption mug shot if he's bigger or smaller than the melon baller though..

lisleman said...

I've been in the virtual dog house many times. Since I'm married, you know if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there - it's still my fault.

Kid-at-heart said...

You're too good at the set -up...makes it easy for me.

hope said...

Good to see you in find form again!

As for "Earl", our chocolate lab is named Smokey but when he gained a little weight, I began referring to him as "Chunky Monkey". Needless to say he ignores me...unless it's feeding time. ;)

Mapstew said...

Fruit molestation eh? What a pretty baller!

(champers = champagne)

Bit of music you might enjoy over at my place.

:¬)

Deanna Schrayer said...

Of course I act surprised - must please the hubby. :)

Kim Ayres said...

Could there be any other? Especially as rule number 2 is "See rule number 1"

Attila the Mom said...

Hummer and baller just sound so pervy together. LOL

Charlie Callahan said...

I think Laura should write a book:

Sh*t My Mom Says

Charlie Callahan said...

He's 15 pounds (should be 11 or 12), so I like to think of him as being a stocky lad.

In any event, he's much larger than a melon baller.

Charlie Callahan said...

I don't think dogs (or cats) give much of a damn about their weight. They're usually too busy eating, begging, or dumpster diving to listen to diet lectures.

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes, Mother, and you love it.

Charlie Callahan said...

Ah, champagne! Sometimes Pat and other UKers forget they speak real English and we USers don't have a clue. Thanks for the translation, Map.

And I'll be over for some music. I usually always love the stuff you pick and post.

Tiffintui said...

For my very first mother's day I got a salad spinner. A brown one. Rule #3 got explained very precisely, succinctly and indelibly. Must say he was a quick study: have never had another item even vaguely resembling an appliance in 34 years.

Melon ballers are so Martha Stewart. Next thing you'll be expecting the poor woman to spray paint the Thanksgiving turkey carcass in gold gilt paint to use as the card holder at Christmas. Nope, Charlie, you'd be invoking rule #23: never give your wife anything that might be used as a surgical implement with unpleasant possibilities (e.g., melon ballers and asparagus tongs).

Tiffintui said...

Just realised that that last line might be taken the wrong way...yeeps! Was thinking of brain surgery!

murrbrewster said...

Looks more like a spoonbill.

Charlie Callahan said...

You are a funny, clever woman, Murr.

Charlie Callahan said...

"Rule #3 got explained very precisely, succinctly and indelibly."

I'm wondering, Tui, what you explained it with. (Certainly not a melon baller or asparagus tongs. BTW, around here we call asparagus tongs "forks.")

I believe that ANYTHING a husband might give his wife can be used as a surgical instrument. Women are much more creative and diabolical when it comes to "unpleasant possibilities." (How PC of you.)

Charlie Callahan said...

Yeah, sure you were.

Tiffin said...

I explained it with one word, Charlie: "oh"

Madame DeFarge said...

I wish M. DeFarge had read about what not to buy a wife. I am still smarting over the great ironing board debacle.