Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Odds & Ends, Mostly Odds

This is one of those posts comprised of bits and pieces, fluff 'n' stuff, and digressive bullshit. In other words, these are short blasts of gasbaggery not fit for a full blast of gas.

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Has anyone noticed lately that I’ve cleaned up my language? I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. In real life I’m a fountain of filth, so what you read here is not the real me. Fucking sad, isn't it.

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This is a caption
Some of you have noticed my new, updated blog layout and the comments have been favorable. It is nothing more than “Blogger in Draft,” and I like it. Blogger is gradually creeping up to the versatility of Wordpress, which I’ve learned to use when writing for Worldwide Opinions. Photo handling is vastly improved and lookit, actual captions — but no frames. “Preview” is nice too, showing a post how it will look when the post goes live. Tweak away, my lovelies, without re-posting 22 times like I used to do.

On the downside, YouTube videos are still limited to 440 pixels wide. And don’t even think about fooling around with the template code: this is NOT your grandma’s HTML. I hate the idea of going back to third grade to learn all the new programming techniques.

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As long as I’m on a noticing roll, does anyone ever notice that 99% of Google ads are SPAM? “Free” this and “free” that — there’s no such thing as “free.” I hate the spam ads on YouTube videos, but I guess that’s the price I have to pay to keep YouTube free.

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Google. I made this comment recently on Mami's blog: “I'm not paranoid or anything even close to it, but I just know that Google is watching my every move. Even when the computer is turned off.”

As filmmaker Michael Moore said, “I don’t believe in conspiracies unless they’re true.” Yeah, well, the Department of Homeland Insecurity, disguised as Google, probably watches Michael a lot. When they're not watching me, that is.

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Twitter. I’ve been tweeting for exactly two months now and I think I finally have the hang of it. I only follow nine twitterlings, most of whom are you guys. I use it mainly for promotion of my blog, and to make quick retorts to humorous tweeties. It’s tough, though, really tough, for a gasbag like me to say anything in a measly 140 characters.

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Martha, my Precious Moment, and I don’t text each other, or tweet, or mumble into our secret decoder rings. We communicate, face-to-face and one-on-one. Just the other night we had a deep philosophical discussion that lasted for nigh on four minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Quite a feat I would say, considering that nowadays the average attention span is ten seconds or less. It was great communicating with her, especially if I could remember what we said after the tenth second.

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Martha, the storyteller:

A Fairy Tale

One day, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Why are fairy tales always so damn sad? It's no wonder that we all need therapy or an addiction or meds to keep us going.

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Storytelling and blogging go hand-in-hand — or at least the ones I read do. I was shocked yesterday when I heard that Jimmy Bastard, the Bard of Glasgow, suddenly deleted his blog. He was an uncommonly good writer, autobiographically written in Glaswegian dialect, and he faithfully responded to every comment with wisdom and humor. But never say never. He may rise again from the ashes . . .

There’s a new kid on the storytelling block, a sixty-five-year-old youngster named Jerry. His blog is Gently Said, and that describes it perfectly. Read this post, The Miscreants, and see if you agree.

Another storyteller of note is Shawna, or her American Indian name, Flying Eagle Woman. I found this post, Matty Rock Set GO!!!!!!, especially heartwarming.

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Sadly, I must leave you. No, no, don’t have a myocardial infarction. I’m not deleting my blog, but rather going to take a nap. Today is May 31, and if I live until midnight (ten hours away), then I’ll get another Social Security check in June. Should I kick the can at 11:59, I get nothing. It’s all or nothing with the SS, as I like to call it.

And unlike the little captioned sign above, I have no trouble tripping over flat surfaces. Or walking into doorways and walls that refuse to stand still. If we had stairs, I would surely fall down every single one of them. It's an old family trait, as well as a tradition. No, the safest place for me is in bed with the covers over my head . . .

30 comments:

mapstew said...

Charles, oh how your head works! :¬)

And yes, the Phoenix will rise from the ashes, we just have to be patient, let the ashes cool as it were. :¬)

Wandering Coyote said...

Well, I should do some poking around Blogger because both of my Blogger blogs are in the "old" format and both could use some updating for sure.

Google took over YouTube, I believe, which is why there are tons of Google ads on YT and I HATE IT! Ridiculous! Google is taking over the world, it seems (along with Facebook) and it's annoying.

Speaking of Facebook...Will you be joining that anytime soon, since you've conquered Twitter - which, BTW, I pretty much don't use anymore? I DO use FB quite a lot these days, however.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I have noticed the "FREE" ploy consistently everywhere online: Free credit report, Free CarFax report, etc. but when you click on the link it NEVER gives you a free anything!! They always want your credit card number, some even want your cell phone number! To me it's deceptive advertising and they need to be called on it. Good luck with that, I guess.

Charlie said...

MAP: It is odd, isn't it, how my head works. I wish I understood it.

Thanks for the update on the Phoenix.

WC: Yes, Google owns YouTube, and yes, they are taking over the world along with Facebook and Microsoft.

If you have the time, read my post
Flunking Facebook. That should answer your question.

ROBERT: Scam and Spam, but plenty of idiots must fall for it. P.T. Barnum was one of the wisest men who ever lived.

Wandering Coyote said...

OK, just read the post. Hmmmmm...

Well, it's not everyone's bag, that is for sure. Sorry to hear you had a less than stellar experience there.

Madame DeFarge said...

A marvellous miscellany of musings. We all hope to see JB again.

Stinkypaw said...

I like the new template, purdy!

SPAMMers should be shot, daily!

Rest well, tomorrow is a BIG day for you! ;-)

Ponita in Real Life said...

Personally, I love how your head works and what spills out of it and onto the screen. :-)

And yes, I am waiting patiently as well for the ashes to cool and the Great Glaswegian Phoenix to rise yet again. He's done it before, you know. ;-)

Friko said...

ten seconds attention span?
It took me a lot longer to read this post, this ragbag and mishmash of interesting snippets, rantings and ravings, bits of personal stuff and sweetie shards.

Liked it.

Thanks for joining my blog. Come and read something, the current post is good, and leave a comment. Then I can see if you are as good elsewhere as you are at home.

The emphysema, were you down a mine?

btw. people say that I am far too direct.

Fay's Too said...

Oy!
So many thing to respond to, but of course I can't remember things long enough to reply in an informed or artfully bullshitty way. At least not tonight.
I'm mourning Jimmy Bastard's absence. But I reckon I'll recover.

Fay's Too said...

Oh, and I'm sure you just forgot to mention your FAVORITE blog.

Unknown Mami said...

I noticed the new layout and I like it. I'm glad that Blogger has made some changes that work for me. I used to have to go into the HTML to mimic "static" pages and now I don't have to.

Nothing is "free". Even freedom isn't free.

Pat said...

Well it's been nice having a chat. I'm very sad about the Jimlessness too. Your links look tempting but MTL has made the coffee so I'll be back later.
BTW your doppelganger is a follower. Have you noticed?

Charlie said...

WC: My major problem with FB was the 493 privacy screens, which still left my ass hanging out in the wind, so to speak.

MADAME: You are a fresh breath of alliterative joy. And JB will return.

STINKY: A waste of bullets, dear lady. Shoot one, and two more pop up. They're like weeds.

And thank you again for such a wonderful birthday wish.

PONITA: "Spills out onto the screen" sounds rather icky, but thanks.

I had no idea JB has done this before. Then again, I've done it myself.

Charlie said...

FRIKO: Thank you for liking my mishmash. I did as you said: I read your latest post and left a comment, which you of course know by now. Did I pass?

Emphysema is caused by smoking and has nothing to do with black lung or lungs damaged by asbestos, fibers, or other unsafe workplace conditions.

I believe that directness is preferable to insinuation or beating around the bush.

FAY: "An artfully bullshitty way." I like it.

You say that you'll recover from JB. Question: Do hypochondriacs ever recover?

You were my favorite blog until you wrote that incrediby crummy movie script. Here, I'll point it out to everyone:

Fay's Movie Idea

Charlie said...

MAMI: I'm wondering if the new Blogger will handle Disqus, who aren't the brightest bunch on the block. And gawd only knows where you would embed it in the new HTML, which isn't HTML at all.

Freedom is indeed not free, especially in the gulag of Arizona.

PAT: Our one-sided chat was very nice, wasn't it.

My doppleganger is necessary for some features of Google to work. Don't ask me why because Google "help" pages are as clear as a tornado in a mud puddle.

Hannah Stoneham said...

Charlie - I am still feeling my way a bit techno wise - but I have started to work out why people prefer wordpress! I really wish that blogger had an email subscription option.

You are a fountain of knowledge as well as expletives, for which I am grateful.

Hannah

Kim Ayres said...

I had been wondering about your language. Good to see a return to form :)

TechnoBabe said...

Hi Charlie, did you see the Sunday Roast yet? Go here :

http://eddybluelights.blogspot.com/

Your name is mentioned.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I heard a rumor that today is your birthday! How many are you allowed anyway?! *wink*

Mary Witzl said...

Whoa, you can talk glibly about pixels, HTML code, and template settings.

Love that fairytale, Charlie, but it's pretty far-fetched. A WHOLE day? Make it an hour and we could all suspend disbelief.

Charlie said...

HANNAH: "You are a fountain of knowledge as well as expletives, for which I am grateful."

Those are two of the nicest things someone has ever said to me. Thank you.

KIM: I tracked down the problem. The battery in my Expletive Generator was low on batt.

BABE: I sure did see it, and I mentioned it in your gazillion comments. Nevertheless, thanks again because it bore fruit. Twice.

ROBERT: The rumor was twue. As far as allowance, I'm hoping to squeeze out at least one more.

MARY: FINALLY someone mentioned the fairytale! It was sad enough as it was, but shortening it to an hour makes it twenty-three times more sad.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm still using "old" blogger but think I may have to succumb to peer pressure and switch over. My blog is getting way to crowded and messy looking.

Thank you for allowing me to turn you post into all about me.

Kathy M. said...

Hello. I came here after reading an interview with Technobabe in which she singled out your post "The Big Lie" as one of the most memorable she's read. Now I have read it and I agree.

I've been there, too, BTW. Now learning to disbelieve the lie in Al-Anon.

We have other things in common, too. Books, for one. I was an English major, which felt like majoring in candy. And I've taught writing at the college level. Your bio didn't mention that, but I'm guessing....

I also live in a suburb of Phoenix. So I imagine that, like me, you're bracing for the 110 range in the next few days.

Anyway, it sure is a pleasure to meet you. I'll be back.

Charlie said...

BARBARA: Consider my blog your blog. No, I mean it. Go ahead and take it. You will then have two to talk all about yourself, and it will shut me the hell up.

Winners both.

Charlie said...

KATHY: What a nice surprise! I'm so glad you read that post, thanks to our friend TechnoBabe. I'm also glad that you are in recovery and that it's working for you.

Yes, we have a love of books in common, but your guess is incorrect. I neither majored in English nor have I ever taught anything at any level. It's all the writers who read this blog that keeps me on my toes.

We have two other neighbors here in the Metro area, both of whom are book bloggers. Cathy of Kittling Books lives in Phoenix, and Shellie of Layers of Thought lives in Scottsdale. I am a denizen of Chandler, not far from the mall (which I intensely dislike).

Thank you for following me, and I'll be by "your place" in the next day or two.

Kevin Musgrove said...

A belated 'bravo' for the new layout.

I'm still struggling with Twitter... 140 characters?!

flying eagle woman said...

HEYYYYY I WANT TO BE CALLED A FOUNTAIN OF EXPLETIVES!!!! DANG!!!! OMG HOW I LOVE TO STOP BY HERE!!!!!
K - off with their heads!
Shawna

Charlie said...

KEVIN: Yes, 140 characters, but you are allowed to use any and all letters in the alphabet in any order you choose.

It's very similar to the vannoy system at the train station.

SHAWNA:Your pleasure is contagious—now you have me all excited! I'm glad that you got to see my link to your storyteller's blog.

KleinsteMotte said...

Google the name Professor B. Worm and see where it takes you. Google and web crawlers will link you all over cyberspace. That a marketing thing but hey I think you have some insights I agree with.