Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Anal Retent

(Click photo for hugh size)

I am proud to announce the latest academic addition to Worm University:

The Institute for Anal Retents

While I'm ecstatic over our acquisition of the art movie house down the street as the venue for the Institute, the Bored of Directors is not. Cheap bastards. Their suggestion, to add a few useless retentivity courses to our already Useless College of Psychology, enraged me.

"The Useless College of PSYCHOLOGY!" I screamed, enraged. "Sure, we retentives have our problems, but we sure as hell aren't NUTS!"

The photograph is of our main lecture hall, which I admit needs a bit of a fix up. That will have to wait, however, until the Institute has an enrollment over three. I suspect that, after the publication of this announcement, enrollment will skyrocket. There's a billion anals out there, or as we refer to them in the U.S., assholes.

So, prospective student, who is an anal retent? According to Wikipedia,

"Freud theorized that children who experience conflicts during [toilet training] may develop 'anal' personality traits, namely those associated with a child's efforts at excretory control: orderliness, stubbornness, and a compulsion for control."

I don't know about you, but I've NEVER been fascinated with poo. Since I don't remember anything about my own toilet training, I assume that the four or five years it took to fully train me up went fairly smoothly.

Nevertheless, somewhere along the line I picked up Freud's personality trait of orderliness. Was it from Mom the Neat Freak? Or the sisters at Catholic school? Or the Army? Or did I fall out of my crib one too many times, telling me that I had to get my shit together one of these days?


I have failed the test for Perfectionist about a million times and, after more than half a century, I've given up trying to perfectionate. Fifty years, a million tries: I finally realized I'm never going to make it. But still, there are some things that make my rectal area itch.

1. Pictures. Hanging on the wall. CROOKED. How in the world can people live that way? At the Worm residence, I use a pocket-size level to keep our gorgeous but cheap wall hangings on the horizontal, uh, level.

2. Lists. There MUST be lists: grocery, family names with their relationship to us, drugs, Chinese-made crap at Walmart, doctor appointments, beauty supplies (Mrs. Worm), books to read, Chinese-made junk at Home Depot, 28-day cycles for those using the rhythm method—the list is endless.

3. Spelling. On the Innertubes. Does ANYONE know how to spell "definitely"?

These three examples are an introduction to our dynamic course number AR103, "What sticks in your anus?" If you have something sticking in yours, you are welcome to share it with us.


Mapstew said...

All of the above three examples make my rectal area itch, or as we say here 'make me scratch me hole'!

My big one though is towel folding. Towel folding and towel order, as in, Big ones in one neat pile, all folded the same way, medium sized ones in a neat pile, all folded the same way, small ones......etc!

And the dishwasher. Why does nobody else understand that there has to be order in the dishwasher? Eh? Dinner plates should not be interspersed with fruit bowls, mingling with saucers!! (I take everything out when no-one is around and put everything back where it should be, in order, neat & tidy!)

I'm getting less anal as I get older though, why only last night I didn't even get (very) mad when someone was sitting on MY barstool when I got to the pub! :¬)

Now see what you started? :¬)

Ponita said...

Oi! I am surrounded by a bunch of control freaks!!! Things are more or less neat and tidy at my place, but there's nothing anal about me, except that southern exit that does exactly what it was designed to do. My clothes are all folded (the same way) but only to make them fit in the drawers better. Same with socks and undies. Towels as well, but I stack the smaller ones on top of the bigger ones. What!?!? I like the pyramid shape..... ;-)

Murr Brewster said...

I know how to spell, definitely.

I can let things slide until they hit the lowest possible point, but Dave battles perfectionism. He's trying to adopt the slogan "done is good." On the other hand he just watched someone hang a quilt tilted on a wall--using a drill, eyeballs, and no level--and even though it wasn't his house, I thought his head was going to go all shrapnel.

Pixye said...

Numbers, either make it even or odd but you can't do both!!

Djanstewart said...

I used to have a terrible itch from internet spelling errors, but somehow that has eased up. I cannot help but straighten a picture, no matter where it is. I never make lists, I misplace them as soon as I begin one. I really like straight lines and get a little itchy when I see something messing with them.

TechnoBabe said...

A couple weeks ago at an appointment in the next town, I accommodated my bladder in a rather pretty bathroom at that office. The toilet paper was on the roll backward. I have to have toilet paper easy to find and in the front. Of course I helped them out by turning it around to the correct position.

Living with my hubby has shown me that some of the little things that in the past would seem important to me are not really important at all. I would spend most of my time following him around putting things away and wiping counters if I didn't let it go. Ha.

Kim Ayres said...

Over the past few years with the CFS I've had to let go and let it flow. I dare not hang on to righteous indignation - it wears me our faster than 2 minute jog. The moment I start going NNNGGGGHHHHGGGRRRRR!!! the plug is pulled and I sink like an inflatable dingy with a puncture. I just cannot do it. I cannot, dare not, stay tense and angry about things, because then I get so exhausted I'm incapable of doing anything else.

dys function said...

Definitely pictures! Straight, straight straight. I also can't stand to see (gasp! especially not drink from) the seam on the disposable coffee cups.

Glasses must have potential debris blown from them prior to being filled.

There are about a million more, but I never notice until someone else points them out.

keri said...

Hello Professor.

No.. I would say no. No one knows how to spell definetly. I am so enjoying your writings. You have a fabulous mind. keri


Kid-at-heart said...

Closet doors. Dammit, they're on there for a reason. SHUT 'EM ALREADY. Also, if you're going to do me the enormous kindness of emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher, learn where they go. Leaving a whole bunch of stuff on the counter and the table for me to deal with isn't an improvement over leaving it in the dishwasher, is it? 'Cause now it's clutter. M-I-L, I'm talking to YEW. My cabinets are fairly well organized, and haven't been rearranged in all the years you've been coming here and staying for extended periods of time. You can do this.

Pat said...

Not that I'm anal or anything but I do worry about the dusting. Of our Institute.

Macypostbox said...

Hi Charlie - I'm nowhere near anal - but maybe just over the threshhold of obsessive... it's only a matter of time before I start carrying a piece of chalk around to correct rogue apostrophes.

And don't get me started on people who say "literally" when they mean "actually": makes me literally grind my teeth.

M Witzl said...

Crud on the floor -- I hate to see it. The toilet paper roll unreplenished -- that drives me nuts. Let's see...laundry that I've washed, dried, and neatly folded left to sit there for days, as though whoever I did it for is also waiting for me to put it away too because they can't be asked to do that much work. Water splashed around the sink, bits of junk left in the drain -- oh, the heck with it, we could be here all night!

Robert tje Skeptic said...

I am still in mortal terror of using a bathroom, public or private, where they have run out of toilet paper. Someone told my this is why in some poor countries the people eat with only one hand. I can survive a lot of very hostile conditions, but being without toilet paper is not among them.

Charlie Callahan said...

Boy, I'm glad you got definitely right!

A fabulous mind: Thank you, Keri, but I think you made about a dozen nuns flip over in their graves.

I'm writing much less now, but welcome to Worm University.

Charlie Callahan said...

So, do you feel better coming over here and ranting at your MIL, where she won't read it?

We have doors in common, but with Martha it's ALL doors. All these years and she still thinks she lives in the barn she grew up in: the barn door was left partially open to let the flies out, especially when her mother was cooking.

Charlie Callahan said...

I'm far from perfect when it comes to spelling and grammar, but two other things drive me anal:

It and It's

Your and you've

You ought to do a post titled, "The ten most common English errors made by idiots on the Internet." I'd read it.

Charlie Callahan said...

I learn so much about people from their comments. I cannot believe you don't get (very) mad when someone is sitting on YOUR barstool! A man's barstool is sacred and you should ALWAYS defend its holiness—otherwise, the towels and dishes don't mean a damn in life.

I am awarding you a four-year scholarship to the Institute, but you'll have to buy your own popcorn in the classroom lobby.

Faysoflife said...

Assholiness that I have to endure on a daily basis makes me have discomfort in the general area of my rectalism. These include, but are no limited to:
1. Comments or other Earth-shakingly important things I'm typing disappearing before my eyes as this one just did.
2. TV "announcers" who mispronounce words. There is no R in familiar. It has nothing to do with farms. They should be caused to walk barefoot across fire ant hills.
3. "Professionals" who don't believe in diseases because they haven't experienced it. May they wake up with depression, MS, fibromyalgia, and (for good measure) crabs
4. People, who use lots and lot's of punctuations!!!!!! I mean, really?! Is it totally, totally necessary; to puctualize every, "single, dingle thing?!"
E. People who tell me not to feel a certain way. I'll feel any ding dany way I want, thank you very much.
6. People who don't realize that I am right 99.97% of the time.
F. People who just make up statistics as if they were cookies that they didn't even need a recipe for.
I could go on, but I reckon my application for the School of Anal Retent may be complete. If you need "references," I can forward the names of several of my "former" friends!!!! Most definately!!!

Kid-at-heart said...

Well, I can't very well rant to her face. She's 82 years old and littler than I am. Also, she babysits the dog when we go on vacation. So, yes, I'm ranting here where she won't read it and it does make me feel a little better. Thanks for understanding.

Kid-at-heart said...

Non-functioning toilets, and stalls without toilet paper, and blocked drains are the stuff of my nightmares. I fear knowing what this says about me, deep down.

Charlie Callahan said...

Ladies and gents, we have a spelling winner!

I would have had the same shrapnel reaction Dave did if I'd been there. And hats off to him for battling perfectionism, which is often a losing battle.

Charlie Callahan said...

Dear Fay,

I'm sorry to inform you that you are one sick puppy. The problem is, I agree with everything you say.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a comprehensive comment twice—you may be sick, but we sick people have a tendency toward dark humor.

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes, I do understand, the poor old thing. I know you wouldn't hurt her feelings in a million years. You're welcome to come over here and rant any time you want, as long as it's not about me.

Charlie Callahan said...

That's what you get, Mary, for having a houseful of gurls. I'm sure that Mr. Witzl does none of those things.

He's probably even trained to put the toilet seat down, which fits in nicely with the subject of this post.

Charlie Callahan said...

I'm in mortal terror of using public bathroom toilet seats, period.

barbara said...

We obviously share the same anus. Those are my big three as well.

Philip Dodd77 said...

(a) that is a fantastic photo - that one of those detroit ones I've seen around?
(b) you are clearly on crazy-nuts-brain form. I applaud you. It lightens my day and raises a smile.

Charlie Callahan said...

Sorry about the late reply, but later than never (depending on the quality of the reply).

It seems like you are more itchy than anal. Do you use calamine lotion to ease the itch caused by internet spelling errors? And if a line isn't straight, it isn't a straight line: it's a curve, or a squiggle, or something equally offensive.

Charlie Callahan said...

You don't have to share, Barb. As a zombie, you can permanently have mine. No, go ahead, take it, enjoy it..

Charlie Callahan said...

(a) You have a good eye—yes, that's one of the Detroit photos. It had a blurb when I downloaded it, but the blurb disappeared when I posted the photo.

(b) Thanks for the compliment—I am crazy.

Stinkypaw said...

There are so many things that make my anus itch, like people who can't operate a garage remote door, people who bought cars for which flashers were optional, winter in Canada to name a few...

Charlie Callahan said...

I totally understand the toilet paper thing, but I don't want to say too much because it confuses Mapstew.

You are lucky to let hubby's quirks go, since Martha's still bug me all these years later. Congratulations.

Stinkypaw said...

Flashers just come with the car, here too, I was being 'sarcastic', ah!