Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Very Important Announcement

It is time once again, boys and girls, for one of my silly scribbles.

A Very Important Announcement


Dear Friends,

I have a very important announcement. Breast of chicken, leg of lamb, rib eye, eye of newt . . . uh, I believe I have the incorrect notes. It appears I was reading from Martha’s butcher list, which she has a nasty habit of leaving betwixt the pages of my authorly papers. Wait just a moment and I will begin again.


Dear Friends,

I have a very important announcement. We have come not to bury Caesar, but to praise Caesar. Long live Caesar! Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and render the remainder to the IRS . . . blast it all, I have the incorrect notes again. I will be giving the keynote address next Thursday at the opening of a new 99¢ Salad Dressing Store . . . I know I have the proper notes here somewhere . . . ah, here they are . . . I will, with my sincerest apologies, commence once again.


Dear Friends,

I have a very important announcement. Attach flange to butterfly net. Tape ducts with duct tape and ducks with duck tape. Use flashlight and flash lighting at flashing. Combine WD-40, hydrochloric acid, and cat piss in bathroom sink . . . crap on a Ritz cracker, these are the wrong notes too—they are the instructions for the new bookcase I’m assembling, which is not going at all well. A quick look through the trash may be fruitful . . .


Dear Friends,

I have a very important announcement. Since I cannot find my fucking notes, forget I said anything.

15 comments:

11pm said...

hilarious!!! I really didn't expect that

Meg said...

Say, where do you find a good eye of newt, anyway?

PI said...

I know the feeling ducks:)

Mary Witzl said...

I've lost my notes too, but unlike you, I can't wing it so amusingly.

Tiffin said...

If you've started wearing suspenders, it could be critical. Otherwise, don't worry about it and welcome to the club.

savannah said...

my latest excuse has been paint fumes and meds! ;~D xoxoxox

Stinkypaw said...

aaahhh the pleasure of losing one's memory...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Crap on a Ritz cracker? I generally serve it on whole wheat crackers, actually.

Charlie said...

11PM: Welcome! I was more than pleased to catch you off-guard and make you laugh.

MEG: Eye of newt may be found at Martha's butcher shop or most anyplace in New Jersey. Try your new neighbors.

PAT: There must be a place where notes and lists disappear to. Damned if I know where it is.

MARY: Losing my notes hasn't always been so amusing either. It's fine in fiction, but not in reality.

TUI: You know, I really look stupid in pajamas with suspenders.

SAVVY: I've been following your allergies or whatever they are. I know you must feel crappy because you didn't call me "sugar."

STINKY: It's not as bad as it sounds. When I forget something I forget that I forgot it.

BARB: You're one of those health nuts, huh?

Robert the Skeptic said...

I don't write anything down... I can never find the goddam pen.

Kim Ayres said...

:)

Kevin Musgrove said...

I wish you'd write for our politicians

Charlie said...

ROBERT: Your pen is probably with the notes you can't find. In any event, just wing it like I (and Kara) do.

KIM: It's good to see you smile.

KEVIN: A politician with notes? Or admitting that he's lost them? Or telling the peasants to forget what he said? Wishful thinking.

I do believe, however, that forgetting what a politician says is in our DNA—we do it automatically.

Mark David said...

Hahaha! That's a nice one. Pretty hilarious :)

Charlie said...

MARK DAVID: Thanks for stopping by my little madhouse here, and I'm glad you got a chuckle.

Technically, I should have two blogs—one for books and one for personal—but it seems like too much work.