Thursday, December 10, 2009

Classifieds

WANTED: Dead or alive. Cell phone spammer who has texted me four times so far this week. Well boo-fucking-hoo, fella: go ahead and freeze my assets at a credit union that does not exist, and please do it at the North Pole in your underpants. You are the scum that rises to the top of the scum; I know all about scum because I used to cook. Reward for anyone who brings him in partially dead so I can finish him off myself. Inquire within.


WANTED: Cell phone provider that does not speak with forked tongue. I have complained twice to have text messaging turned off, and both times my helpful customer care representatives (Muffy and Puffy) have assured me they flipped the switches. Or maybe it was switched the flippers. In any event, I was bare-eared lied to. Inquire within.


WANTED: Cell phone that does absolutely nothing other than VOICE calls—the kind where one person talks while the other one listens, and then the other one talks while the one person listens. I realize that may be old-fashioned, but how much sense does it make to text message someone when you’re holding a fucking TELEPHONE in your hand? I do not need the following “features” on a mobile telephone: the weather (I can tell that by looking up), games, CNN or the BBC, music, sporting events, the stock market, movies like Lord of the Rings in THX Dolby surround sound, emails, or an itty-bitty keyboard with 400 tiny keys. And did I mention text messaging? Inquire within.

21 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

Funnily enough... I cannae hear my phone ring anymore. Not unless I put my ear very close to the surface of the Loch of which I threw it in some time ago.

Peace at last.

Fay's Too said...

Oh dearie dear me! My daughter just dragged me into the world of texting and I must say I'm hooked now. But if I see the bahstad that bothered you, I'll certainly bring him to you netly wrapped.

Pat said...

I have a very old Nokia which does nothing but act as a phone - when it is switched on.

mapstew said...

I was having a conversation with Herself about Christmas pressies, and the fact that neither of us really want anything. I think it's all down to getting older (and wiser?), that is, the older we get the more we realise how little we actually NEED!?

Charlie said...

JIMMY: I'd like to store mine in the same place, except I need it to call my bookie.

FAY: Get thee to a meeting of TTA—Telephone Texters Anonymous-before it's too late.

To find out where the nearest meeting is, text them at . . .

PAT: You have the Crown Jewel of phones! I'm envious.

MAP: That is wisdom born of age. I'm just as happy now with nothing as I was back in the days when I had nothing.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I don't even know why I bother with a phone most times. We probably get a call every 2-3 days and then it is someone who can't pronounce our names.

Wandering Coyote said...

This is part of the reason I don't have a cell phone!

Meg said...

Speaking of phone spammers, I listen to this morning show on the radio every day -Elvis Duran- and there's this guy who prank calls people and pretends to be a telemarketer. It's very funny. Every time they hang up he calls back. Maybe you're just being phone tapped, as they call it. (probably not, but it would be funny if you did)

Tiffin said...

Oh Perfesser, you're singing to the choir here. I hate the telephone as it is but texting on top of it all? Never. The girl at the phone shop was blethering on about the *features*: I can (apparently) take movies with this phone. SNORT! I said I just wanted to be able to dial 911 if I was having a heart attack. She thought I was being funny. Nope. That's the only reason I carry it. Now, to remember to charge it or turn it on, that's yet another thing.
Tui

Stella said...

Hi, my name is Stella and I'm a texter.............

Robert the Skeptic said...

Charlie, we are too late, the 21st century has run us over. I gave up when someone was explaining to me how my Garage Door Opener could be "programmed". Hell, I remember when I was my Dad's garage door opener (channel changer too).

I get telemarketers on my cell. But these assholes use internet telephony and the numbers are untraceable so the Feds can't touch em. What are we to do, my friend?

laytonwoman3rd said...

I wish I could say I feel your pain, Charlie--and the rest of you.I am sorry your plagued by junk texts. But my cell phone is nothing but a blessing to me. It's registered with the Do Not Call people, and I don't get spam calls or texts. I give that number to all doctor's offices and other personal business contacts, so they don't have to go through our idiot receptionist to reach me during the day, and she doesn't get the opportunity to page me throughout the office to tell me my GYN is on the phone. (Oh, yes, she's done it.) And since we have the same provider, my daughter and I can talk 'til our batteries run down, and it doesn't cost an extra penny. It's also red and spiffy, just like me.

Tiffin said...

To Robert the Skeptic: may I suggest the Acme Thunderer, standard whistle issue for lifeguards?

Charlie said...

BARBARA: I wasn't aware that Zombie is that difficult to pronounce.

WC: Yeah, and one of the other parts is paying for the fucker.

MEG: You were always such a nice girl, but phone tricks are evil. This is a threat: if you ever phone spam me, I'll take you off my sidebar for 20 minutes.

TUI: I forgot to mention my phone's camera which, like most everything else on it, I don't know how to use.

My phone is set up for medical use too, but 911 does me no good—if I have a major breathing attack I can't talk (duh).

Shellie (Layers of Thought) said...

I am certainly glad to see you up and ranting!

Those huge corporations by nature are amoral. I also think the people that work for them have a special place in a good old stink hole in hell waiting for them on the other side...

Take Care!

Charlie said...

STELLA: As long as you're not texting me, text your heart out.

BTW, I owe you a l-o-n-g email . . .

ROBERT: I got a kick out of that, you being your dad's remote control.

Have you tried programming one of those programmable thermostats? You're right—the 21st century has left us in the dust. And your daughters think we're a couple of old coots. So be it.

LINDA: You're a big show-off because you know how to use a cell phone. Well la-de-da, dearie--I'll take my pain and complain elswhere.

SHELLIE: Yes, I got out of bed because I have a rant-on.

The purpose of big corporations is to extract as much money from our pockets as they can. My mother sounded like a broken record: "Don't walk around with your hands in your pockets!" She no longer has to worry about that because there's already 20 others in there rooting around.

Peter S. said...

Hi, Charlie! I can't help but laugh at your thoughts about the phone! By the way, how have you been?

Kim Ayres said...

Next you'll be wanting a knife that just cuts things, rather than allows you to open bottles and tins, remove fish scales, and get stones out of horses hooves...

Alice said...

Everytime the "kids" that work for me talk about their fancy plasma TVs, iPhones, and Play Station 3s that let them rent movies while playing Medal of Honor 5000, my eyes glaze over. And then I realize that must have been what my parents did when I tried for the 5 millionth time to teach them how to set the clock on the VCR.

stacybuckeye said...

Hee hee. Good luck finding this mythical phone. I truly don't understand texting and what the point is.

Charlie said...

PETER: Did I make it clear that I'm not very fond of cell phones? And I'm fine, but woefully behind, thanks.

KIM: Are you alluding to the fact that I'm a Luddite? Knives have two purposes: slicing bread, and eating peas.

ALICE: You actually knew how to set the time on a VCR? I'm truly impressed.

STACY: Thanks for stopping by! You're correct that a plain old phone is a myth, except Pat has one (and a unicorn) that she probably wouldn't sell for £5,000.