How in the world of hospital fashion did this schlump get a johnnie with a tie in back?
To all the rest of us who never get a tie:
Some women topless dance,
Through hospital corridors
I bare-assed prance.
* * *
Charlie Goes to the Doctor
"Holy shit, Doctor, I think I have Diversion of the Spleen with Morbid Aftermath! And if that's not bad enough I have a sniffle, and you know how prone I am to Chillblains with Frozen Consequences!
"You've been reading your Guide to Every Disease, Disorder, and Discomfort Ever Known (and Not Known) to Mankind, Complete with Handy Checklists, Charts, And Cheat Sheets, 89th Edition, Revised again, haven't you, Charles."
"Uh, yes sir."
The doctor was really nice when he threw me out of his office with instructions to never come back. He even sent along a note, stapled to my shirt, to Martha:
Dear Mrs. Callahan,
Here is a prescription for Charles.
1. PLEASE throw away his Guide to Every Disease, Disorder, and Discomfort Ever Known (and Not Known) to Mankind, Complete with Handy Checklists, Charts, And Cheat Sheets, 89th Edition, Revised.
2. Better yet, have a bonfire for it with kielbasa-on-a-stick and a little potato salad.
3. Put him to bed—preferably in a hospital johnnie with no tie in back.
4. Keep him there.
5. If he happens to get bedsores then, for the first time in his life, he will really have something to complain about.
With utmost compassion I am,
Your husband's former physician
MORAL OF THE STORY: If you haven't got it, don't complain about it. And be thankful.