Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hairs To You, Mrs. Callahan

MOM, for eighteen years: “Chuckie, you need a haircut.”

DAD, until 2004: “Chuck, you need a haircut and a shoeshine.” (The shoeshine was always in there, even if I was wearing basketball shoes, slippers, or barefoot.)

DR. LUNG, about three months ago: “Your lungs sound clear, but you need a haircut.” (I am not making that up!)

MARTHA, last night at supper: “Charlie, you need a haircut.”

I will be sixty-three-years-old in a little over a month and I still don’t own my own hair!

It’s not like I have a mullet, a ponytail, a Mohawk, or an Afro. It isn’t purple or green. I don’t use Brylcream or axle grease on it. Or hairspray. Or chocolate mousse. It’s just regular old hair, dammit, but everybody worries about it. (That might be a slight exaggeration.)

What really hurt was Martha, my Precious Moment, my Faberge Egg, my Beanie Baby, telling me what to do with the hair on my bean. Nearly thirty-six years of nearly good wedded bliss, and the haircut thing has come full circle: She sounded just like my mom.

Creepy, dude.

Never mind what her hair looks like every single morning when she climbs out of bed, stumbles into the dinette room, and sits across the table from me with her coffee cup clutched tightly in her hand:

That’s right, her hair looks exactly like Don King’s.

I would never dare tell her that, of course, because she would beat me to death with her good cast iron skillet as soon as she finished her coffee.

Sooner or later I’ll have to give in and get a cut, but I’m going to make it later. Maybe as an anniversary present in August. Or perhaps her birthday in November. I can tell you this for sure: I’m not going down without a fight.

It’s my hair, after all.


savannah said...

you never say anything to y'alls fine bride about her hair, sugar? i'd be tempted to make mention of that or next time the dear thing says something, mention how much she sounds like y'alls mama! xoxoxox

(sorry, martha, 3 sons and 41 years of marriage has given me a sort of honorary dude status! no offense, but bless your heart, i'd keep quiet about and count mah blessings!)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You should get a Don King do next time!

TechnoBabe said...

Darn right, your hair. In our house, I cut my hair and I also cut hubby's hair. He wants it longer right now so that is what it is. Growing and growing and pretty soon we will have to get a garden rake to comb it but hey, it's his hair!

Kim Ayres said...

I used to have hair down to my arse, usually kept in a very long ponytail.

Then I had it all cut off with a set of clippers.

For 2 days my head kept lolling forwards without the counterweight on the back

And for 3 years afterwards, everytime I put on a t-shirt, my hands would go up to my neck to sweep the hair out the back.

However, for over a decade now I've just been using the clippers on myself, keeping my hair short, and it's a hell of a lot less fuss.

Save a fortune on shampoo too...

Diane said...

I'm guessing Martha thinks your hair looks like Don Kings, and you just reversed it...LOL Now tell the truth!

Robert the Skeptic said...

I always hated getting my hair cut as a kid... so boring. My dad would take me in and tell them in a straight face to give me a "Half-Schlitzie". When I got old enough to go in on my own I walked in, sat in the chair, and asked for the requisite "Half-Schlitzie". The room came to pieces with laughter... apparently a running joke with my dad and the barber.

So in the 70's I let it grow... long! But my hair is fine and I looked like a James Taylor (early years).

Today I have a woman do charges me a bundle to do my hair... but all I do is say: "Joyce, make me look good". She's worth every cent I pay her!

Wandering Coyote said...

Didn't you know, we always marry our parents in the end!

Ever heard of a "ponis"? :P

Buzzard said...

I get it Charlie. I kept my hair kind of short and swept back for about 30 years. When I was facing open heart surgery in December, I decided it wouldn't be good to have to screw around with hair and had it buzzed completely off.

My wife and neighbors kept telling me how good I looked in short hair during my recovery, so I buzzed it again when it became long enough to require a comb. My wife told me a few weeks ago she wanted me to grow my hair back. I told her the next time I cut it, it will be a silver maned pony tail.

I think they all were lying to the ghost that inhabited my body for about three months.

Moral of the story is please yourself.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I feel your pain Charlie, the missus is exactly the same over a little chin stubble.

It's enough to make a man search his marriage licence for the expiry date.

Elisabeth said...

Stick to your guns Charlie, at least stick to your hair. Mind you I too find it easy to remark on my husband's hair and suggest the occasional hair cut when I sense it's overdue. He seems not to mind, but if he did, I'd have to keep it to myself.

The thing that most irks me though is not the hair on the aging head but that of the eyebrows. My husband's brows are fine, but we have a friend who needs a good talking to from his wife or someone near and dear. You can almost plait his eyebrows.

mapstew said...

Well ya KNOW what MY head looks like!


Pat said...

My advice is to ignore the rest but listen to Martha. One of the nails in the coffine of my first marriage was that in spite of protests and pleas over 28 years my then husband insisted on hair cuts which made him look like a skinned rabbit to get money's worth obviously.
Eventually it dawns on one that one's opinion counts for nothing.
It is heartwarming if one's spouse is prepared to do something to please one. Forget diamonds and pearls just a smidgeon of amiability rocks my boat so Charlie - just a gentle trim. And as for Jimmys stubble
who wants their beloved's beautiful skin to be covered in barber's rash?

Meg said...

I wonder why it is that it's okay to tell men to get a haircut (I do it myself all the time). But has anyone ever tried telling a woman to get a haircut? I think not. The teller might get his head bit off, hair and all.

Tiffin said...

We have the reverse problem here: Dear Husband always had beautiful hair, full of life and curl. It was ginger but has become the loveliest silver. Because he cycles and plays hockey, he wears a helmet so he likes to keep his hair short. I like it a bit longer so I can see those lovely curls. Och weel.

The one thing I don't get is the bald pate with the long scraggly fringe to the shoulders. My lads have a name for this...must ask them.

Buzzard said...

Charlie, I hope you don't mind, but I linked back to your post from my blog. A couple of comments you received were about chin stubble, and I thought about an article I wrote a couple of years back. These two views should meet.

The The Graying Rebellion

hope said...

I learned a long time ago not to comment on Hubby's hair...because it only annoyed me and amused him. :)

So when he grew that mid-life pony tail, I kept my mouth shut while everyone yelled at him to cut it off! When he finally asked me about it point blank, I took a deep breath and said calmly, "It's your hair." Sure, I hated the damn thing but he's a good man...what difference is hair?

But Charlie if you just want to be left alone, with a straight face you just tell people, "I'm growing it out to donate to Locks of know, the folks who make wigs for cancer patients."

I bet they smile....AND back off.

Unknown Mami said...

Dude, your a great blogger, but you need a haircut.

kara said...

Dapper Dan. That'll tame it.

laytonwoman3rd said...

I like Hope's response. A lot. Zing!!

Kevin Musgrove said...

I remember once saying "bikini wax."

It was only the once, mind...

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Charlie,

One thing you must learn about women is that they feel it's their duty to take care of their man! Martha is not doing it because she thinks she owns your hair. Martha is doing it because she feels that if you look out of place then it's a reflection on her! I don't know that makes you feel worse. However, she is afarid that if some other woman sees you she might think, "OMG, that woman isn't taking care of her man!" And yes, you are wise not to tell her about how her hair looks in the morning;)


Fay's Too said...

Hair is just too easy. When I'm depressed I cut or change the color of mine. I cut it all off once when a friend was going thru chemo and lost hers.
It's amazing how passionately we feel about a bunch of dead cells, eh?
I think you should consider an orange mohawk. Everyone should.

Then when you're done considering it, go get your usual haircut, for crying in a bucket!

Mary Witzl said...

It's your hair, Charlie -- keep it long, by all means! Grow it out for Locks of Love and tell everybody you're doing it for charity. Then maybe they'll leave you alone. I'm just thrilled your lungs sound good!

Samm said...

I've been hoping my friends who all have great hair would get a new cut--theirs is way too long and curly. I think it's wonderful to put way more effort into that department than what's expected. It can 'wow' a crowd and is real pleasing when you roll down the window in your car, and see your reflection....Charlie, your hair is probably just fine. Just spray some maple syrup cologne on before breakfast time so she's thoroughly distracted with the wanton desire for waffles and tea.....

On a related hair note, "You have great hair" is still the highest compliment to pay someone.

I even got a date out of it this week. :)


Charlie said...

Holy hairballs, I've done it again! Two dozen of you were kind enough to leave a comment, and I said not word one. I could lie and say that I was getting my hair cut, but that would be lying. If y'all don't mind (Savannah-speak is contagious), I'll make just a few short comments—otherwise, I'll be here all day and night. And that's no lie.

Charlie said...

BARB: Sticking my finger in a wall-socket would give me an instant Don King. I'll pass.

KIM: I knew you had long hair at one time, but I never knew it was down to your "arse."

WC: Incestuous, isn't it. A "ponis"?

JIMMY: I've already looked. There is no expiration date.

ELISABETH: You're talking about the men who look like Winnie. And thanks for the shout about digressing.

MAP: Yes, you have that bowling-ball-that-was-struck-by-a-lorry look.

MEG: I would never tell Martha to change her hair—I'm scared to death of her as it is.

TUI: I know the look you're talking about, and I hate it too.

BUZZARD: The two pieces worked out well together. Thanks.

HOPE, LINDA, & MARY: You're encouraging me to tell an untruth, you know.

KEVIN Bikini wax might work if I wore a bikini on my head. And my bikini hair is just fine, thanks.

Wandering Coyote said...

Here is a good explanation of what a "ponis" is:

Ignore the second definition!

I first came across this term about 10 years ago and thought it was brilliant!

word verification = caved

Charlie said...

The definition of "ponis", suggested by Wandering Coyote in the Urban Dictionary:

"A PONIS is the long, stringy ponytail found on (usually) older men, aging hippy types, typically with thinning hair (or just about NO hair), where each existing strand is lovingly washed and tended so that it can be carefully included in the skinny ponis, the purpose of which is to show that the bearer is still hip, still cool, and maybe still a bit virile. A ponis rarely looks good, often looks ratty, and should usually be CUT OFF!!"

Elisabeth said...

I think this is a most wonderful definition. I have never heard a 'ponis' described so well.

lisleman said...

Charlie this sounds so familiar. I'm always trying to see how long I can go without a haircut.
(thanks for linking up on LLL)