For example, the door rails on our refrigerator were cracked and broken, so that every stinking time we opened the door all the door shit fell out on the floor. Boy, what a pain in the toes that was. Martha suggested I visit Sears and buy some replacement rails, but I knew there was a much simpler and cheaper solution:
(Click on each photo to get a better view of my handiwork.)
Then there was the time our hot water heater ran out of heated water. Martha must think that hot water heaters grow on trees, but I knew that with a few minor adjustments I could fix ours for free:
By the time I was finished the hot water was positively lukewarm, a good sign, but I had bits of insulation up my nose and stuck in my teeth for a week.
Another project involved one of our idiot neighbors, but there’s so many of them I have no idea which one ran their car over our mailbox and totaled it (the mailbox, that is, the one with our name on it and everything). Once again, moneybags Martha wanted me to buy a new box and a post when I had everything I needed in the garage just waiting to be used:
Yup, that's a mason jar that once held my mother-in-law’s delicious dill pickles. And the post is from our marriage bed frame—I am, after all, a Romantic. The beauty of using glass for a mailbox is I can look out the living room window and see if there’s any mail stuck in the jar. If it’s empty, all I have to do is yell to Martha, “Nope, no papers from the divorce court yet!”
I cannot end this without defending the manhood of us male fixit guys. Maybe our projects don’t always turn out perfectly because none of us is perfect. We do it to help out, sure, but mostly we do it because we love you, be you a wife, a girlfriend or boyfriend, or a one-night stand.
So give us a fooking break once in a while, will you?