Sunday, July 31, 2011

Gather 'Round la Toilette

"Oh, that's just an old wives' tale."

I've never thought about it before now, but that's a pretty hefty statement in the sexist department. I mean I've never heard, "Oh, that's just an old husbands' tale." I have to believe that many super- stitions, most disinformation, and the bulk of nonsense originated with men, simply because men are idiots.

Why would a woman, for example, pass this nugget of numbskullery down through her female line:

"Warts on the palm are caused by masturbation." Baloney. Everyone knows they're caused by handling frogs in the swamp out back.

Here's another example of dipshittery:

"If you sit on the toilet too long you'll get hemorrhoids." Baloney squared. I knew a fellow who had a terrible case of hemorrhoids, but I'm pretty sure he got them from sitting on a hard barstool all day long.

Personally, the toilet has always been my friend. Not only have I done my best thinking there, I've always used the quiet time to read and study, uh . . . stock and mutual fund prospectuses. I'm proud to say that our entire financial future has been planned on the can, and Martha will be retiring at the golden age of 97 with a treasure trove of two thousand pork belly futures.

This week, however, la toilette won't be so friendly. Utilitarian as hell to be sure, but hardly a place I want to sit for too long—who knows, I might get hemorrhoids.

On Thursday, dear readers, I will undergo my 326th medical test since 2003—not one of which I've asked for. It's a colonoscopy, and it requires all 45 feet of my intestines to be sparkling clean and springtime fresh. So I must spend Wednesday night and Thursday morning "cleansing" by drinking two litres of terrible tasting liquid and another litre of water.

Cleansing, my ass. Using the scientific theory of massive water pressure, we're talking about an explosion. Boy, is the dog gonna love this one, but I've got me all worked up about it.

Maybe I should take a nerve pill, settle down, and just hope that everything comes out alright.


33 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

Well...have fun with this.  Let's hope this epic voiding leads to some epic epiphanies!

savannah said...

find the softest toilet paper you can, sugar! trust me on this one key thing! xoxoxoxo

Kim Ayres said...

Is this about dealing with the eye problems - they need to look from the other end?

Kid-at-heart said...

Been there, done that.  At least you'll get a lovely nap out of it.  But there has to be a way to make that stuff taste better. 

Mapstew said...

Man! Is the world falling out of your bottom?  :¬)

Djanstewart said...

The prep is the hard part of those tests. I get another one in about five years. It wasn't fun but there are worse ones. I also hope everything comes out all right...

TechnoBabe . said...

Everything will indeed come out all right when you take that stuff. Actually it feels pretty nice to have your insides empty and start out fresh again. Hope things go well for you and you are not very nervous. 

Pat said...

Good luck with it Charlie and we shall be joining you - as it were - in September when MTL has his
The goverment say if you are over 80 don't bother.  As we pay for it all anyway and don't really feel MTL is dispensable - we'd like him - need him - to be around as long as possible and it is simply checking all the rigorous surgery and chemo he has had have been effective.
So sucks to the government.

Macy said...

I've been reliably informed that the prep is worse than the test.  The good news, then, is that by the time you get to hospital the worst will be over!
Good luck Charlie!

Michelle Stroud said...

Ugh! Funny in the movies but in reality not so much. As my dearly departed Dad always said, "Never trust a fart" in this situation. All the best xx

hope said...

Oh...dear.  I can't think of a single happy thought to pass on except we're here for you, if you need counseling later.  :)

I had to drink that stuff once prior to x-ray for gall bladder and possible kidney stones...let's just say there was more fluid than space in me.  Not only had the doctor made a horrible error (turns out I'd torn a muscle near my gall bladder, which I TRIED to tell him) but I was squeaky clean and very healthy...if broke.

Kim's right....doesn't seem like a good cure for your eyesight.  ;)

Charlie Callahan said...

One epic epiphany I could use is how to unload two thousand pork bellies at a profit.

Charlie Callahan said...

Mr. Whipple will always be my hero!

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes. It's called hindsight.

Charlie Callahan said...

But I don't WANT a lovely nap! I can lovely nap any time without drinking a gallon of panther pee first.

Charlie Callahan said...

Map, lad, ask me again on Thursday afternoon.

Charlie Callahan said...

Five years, huh? Wanna switch appointments?

Charlie Callahan said...

I'm not nervous, Babe, I just don't like enemas. I AM nervous about the test results: I'm way low on blood, there's blood in my evacuant, so the doctors are pretty sure I'm leaking down there.

Charlie Callahan said...

I totally agree with you, Pat. Forget what the government says—I always do—and do what you think is best for YTL.

Stinkypaw said...

Funny how a little comma will change things, I read: Cleansing my ass (and thought, yeah, you got that right!) when it fact it was: Cleansing, my ass, huh.

Have a good cleansing! ;-)

Pamela Austman said...

Been there, done that myself. A family history of bowel caner means I go every five years whether I need to or not. But the prep is indeed worse than the procedure and I hope they find the bleedin' offender and it's something simple to fix right then and there.

Charlie Callahan said...

Luckily, I don't have to go to the hospital—the doctor has his very own torture chamber. You know about hospitals: once they have you, they don't want to let you go.

Charlie Callahan said...

I agree: "fart" in this situation means "explosion."

Charlie Callahan said...

I'll take you up on that counseling if I need it, but I don't expect to be traumatized.

I'm wondering if what you had to drink was barium. I remember drinking something like 4 bottles of it and I gagged every time. We sent men to the moon 42 years ago, but no one can  invent GOOD tasting test liquids. I think it's a conspiracy.

Charlie Callahan said...

I read things wrong all the time, and sometimes they're funnier than hell. I should keep track of them for a post.

I know you like to send out Jackie Lawson cards—I've gotten a bunch from you—ya think they have a Happy Cleansing Day card?

Charlie Callahan said...

You poor sweet thing, typing with one hand. Looks like you're gonna miss pitching in the World Serious this year.

And yes, I hope it's something easy to fix . . .

barbara said...

I sure hope you got some rivetting reading material in the loo!

Mind of a Madman said...

Maybe they will dislodge something cool like gold or diamonds? Hears to hoping your "hosing" makes you rich!

Attila the Mom said...

Sooooo...was the heinie shiny enough?  ;-)

Charlie Callahan said...

You bet: I have both the unabridged edition of War and Peace (I'm on page 4), and the latest issue of Nudist Quarterly (I read it for the articles).

Charlie Callahan said...

Not yet, Mom, but it will be. Thanks for asking.

Charlie Callahan said...

Yes, a shitload of Spanish dubloons would come in handy. Thanks.

Mary Brewster said...

First off, "handling frogs in the swamp out back" is just another name for...well. Anyway, embrace your colonoscopy. I loved mine. I can't wait to have another. Although next time see if you can't get the 4 oz bottle instead of the 2-liter. I still don't know why some doctors prescribe the one and not the other. 4 oz rocks. Two liters and you're going to be cleaning things that don't really need polishing.