Monday, August 03, 2009

Taking the Rap

I awoke around 3:30 this morning because it was time to get up. Oh, I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do, but I was too wide-awake to go back to sleep. The feature nightmare was over, including the theatrical trailer and the director’s commentary, so there was no reason to stay in bed.

Whenever I get up at a ghastly hour, I am very careful not to disturb my beloved. After all, why should my ghosts affect her sleep? And even in the pitch of black, the little drool bubbles she blows sound absolutely adorable.

So I s-l-o-w-l-y pushed the bedclothes back, s-l-o-w-l-y sat up, and s-l-o-w-l-y lowered my left foot to the floor.


Dammit to hell! I stepped on either my teddy bear or one of the dogs' toys. It didn’t take long to find out which one it was: Molly, who was formerly sound asleep and snoring on the bed, was instantly wide-awake and jumping around like a lunatic. Irish came running from wherever he came running from, worried to death that he was missing something good. Or, more likely, that I was playing with one of his toys. Suddenly, at 3:32, it was PLAYTIME! including a festival of growls, snorts, sneezes, and my personal favorite, earsplitting barks.

So much for careful.

“Snarbogritz? Diddlegum? Whackerturd?”

That was Martha speaking Sleepinese. Translation: “Is it time to get up for work already? Is the house on fire? Did you plug up the toilet again?”

“No, honey, nothing like that. I was just fucking around here in the dark. You know me and how I like to fuck around in the dark.”

Why blame the dogs, I thought. After all, they can’t help they’re idiots.


koonsmother said...

Clearly a case of trying too hard, Charles. The quieter one tries to be at O Dark-thirty, the more likely one is to wake the entire neighborhood, or break a toe. (Our furniture moves around in the middle of the night, just to GET me when I'm blind and bare-footed.)

Wandering Coyote said...

Koonsmother is right: the harder you try, the louder you get! Ah well; I hope Martha was able to settle in again and not have her sleep disrupted too much. What did you wind up doing at that God-forsaken hour, anyway?

savannah said...


i LOVE it! but, yeah, the harder you try, the more noise you make. it's a rule. xoxox

Jimmy Bastard said...

Even the sneakiest fart at 3:30am can sound like thunder to those still sleeping beside you.

Mary Witzl said...

I wake everyone up in our house too, from time to time, when I trip over the junk they've left on the stairs or in front of my door When that happens, I make sure to yell my head off, long and hard. Poetic justice, I say.

PI said...

Hilarious Charley:)

PI said...

Dammit Charlie. Sorry.

Stinkypaw said...

You're such a good husband, clumsy as hell, but still good! ;-)

Robert the Skeptic said...

After repeated haranguing by our just turned 4 y/o grand daughter to sleep over at gramma's house, we relented and set it up.

At bed time, she went to bed in the guest room with no fuss, teddy bear and night light keeping her company.

The next thing I recall is our bedroom door bursting open and a tiny, but loud, voice saying: "IT'S TIME TO GET UP!!".

The clock said 4:16 AM. "Gramma, this was YOUR idea... YOU deal with it".

Grand daughter explained it this way: "I don't know how to tell time so I just get up when the birds do".

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Just proving my point, yet again, that humans were meant to sleep alone. Just saying.

Kim Ayres said...

I think "whackerturd" ought to make it into the dictionary

Charlie said...

Damn, I'm a little behind here.

K-MOM: A formal welcome to the asylum. I call it, in my mangled Spanish, Casa La Dumpa.

I'm sorry your furniture moves around at O Dark-thirty. It's only our walls and doors that move, and the occasional landmine--sharp-edged rawhide bones that hurt like hell when stepped upon.

WC: I think that's a pretty personal question, asking me what I was doing in the middle of the night. I won't tell you, other than it was innocent--my hands were in plain view at all times.

SAVANNAH: I know you didn't make that rule, but I hate rules in general--meaning all of them.

JIMMY: My God, man, you're a poet too!

MARY: A different kind of poetry, but a very effective one. Poetic justice doesn't work on dogs, though.

Charlie said...

PAT: You don't have to apologize for laughing at me--if I'd CHECKED the floor before putting my big clodhopper on it, the whole thing would never have happened.

STINKY: That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thank you.

ROBERT: The birds get up at 4:16? It isn't the child's fault--she just needs some training. "Do not get up until you hear Gramma stop snoring."

BARBARA: I agree 100%. No humans, no dogs, no cats, and especially no goats.

KIM: That is a fine word, isn't it.

Whackerturd (verb): To unplug a plugged toilet. Applies only to indoor facilities.

kara said...

this is why one should never own a dog.

you're welcome.