I read this Herman cartoon, laughed all over the place, but then my hands began to tremble. And my feet. And my arms and legs. Pretty soon all of me was trembling; I was having a nightmare, during the day, while I was fully awake—
Unless he has a serious death wish, no man ever, ever, ever jokes about his beloved's beauty. Even if she looks, sounds, and smells like a fishwife. Martha is nothing of the sort, but the result would be exactly the same: suicide by beloved with our good cast iron frying pan.
During all our years together, I've only slipped up once.
"You know, I don't understand it," she said one evening while taking inventory in the mirror. "My boobs keep getting smaller while my ass keeps getting bigger."
I didn't have the stupidity to tell her that spring was over for the chickens a loooong time ago, so I tried logic. "You can blame it on gravitational pull," I told her in my best scientific voice. "It rearranges your body, and even makes you shorter as your bones scrunch up." Geeze, I'm full of shit sometimes.
"You're full of shit," she told me, putting on her flannel PJs with the footies in them but no back door, which meant only one thing:
Flannel jammies in the desert in the middle of August → No nookie until winter comes, which it never does → A nightmare on Ironwood Drive.
__________________________
Herman © by Jim Unger
20 comments:
A-hahahaha!!!! But you were right... to a certain extent. ;-) Hope you didn't have to say in the dog house for too long, Charlie!
Yeah, it's all fun and games until some old lady bankrupts you with all those useless beauty aids! Hope springs eternal, ya know! :-)
Will we (men) EVER learn to say the right thing Charles? :¬)
You learn quickly, Grasshoppa. :-)
Pearl
Tsk tsk tsk. See, if you didn't want to have to dust the cobwebs off of prong, you'd grope it, stroke it, ogle it and tell her that for all these years you were dying for more cushion for the pushin'.
It works when I do that for hubby. ;-)
Ah well, you could say you asked for it. It's good to visit your bold humour all over again.
Flannel jammies?? Do they sell flannel jammies in Arizona, or do you have to pre plan a major rebuff like that via mail order?
If the product label contains the words
BANISH
LESSEN WRINKLES
LIFT
ETC
I buy it.... :}
Follow MTL's example and lie in your teeth.
Works for me:)
Tell Martha not to eat healthy food. We need all the preservatives we can get.
It didn't take you long to get the message your dear Martha was delivering to you, did it. I guess that is why you only made that mistake one time. Quick learner, you.
Ahahaha! Well, at least you Learned after that one time Charlie, more than I can say for my hubby, who, bless his heart, has always had foot-in-mouth syndrome.
That reminds me of this ad that ran on TV for a short while - one of the funniest commercials I have ever seen.
Ahhh....you do catch on quickly, don't you? So, how are you with Mood Discernment? Say I've just spent a very nasty hour or so scrubbing the walls and ceilings of the bathroom to remove those sneaky little black mildew dots that otherwise would grow fur and fangs (you know, the condition you didn't even notice erupting)....this means taking everything out from the rug to the doo-dads that hold up the shower curtain, breathing chlorine gas and having its liquid form running down my arm into my underwear, and cultivating SUCH a crick in the neck. When I come out of there gasping for breath and looking like I want to kill somebody, would YOU say "What's the matter?" to me in a puzzled and slightly challenging tone of voice? Think about it, now. Somebody's life may depend on your answer.
Charlie, I've long since learned that a man should never upset the equilibrium that exists between a husband and his sex. Need I say more?
This did make me smile. My beloved refuses to answer questions about what I'm wearing - it's not that he'd say the wrong thing, just that he's he knows it doesn't actually matter what he says, I'll ignore it and carry on thinking what I was already thinking anyway...
Reminds me of my post, "Do You Still Love Me Despite My..." - http://kimayres.blogspot.com/2007/05/do-you-still-love-me-despite-my.html
We're doomed if we answer and doomed if we don't :)
Hopefully she didn't go out for a facial/manicure/pedicure the next morning...
My fav cartoon from farside... a spider sitting on a tree branch, another spider comes up behind him with a paper bag over his head, he say's "boo" to the other spider... the other spider frightened "poops" out his web... the spider says... did I scare you or what!
too cute!
hope you are well!
T
funny charlie.....stopping by with a big ole HI!
Your logic is impeccable. Also impeckable. The gravity rearrangement phenomenon is strong enough in this house that I am beginning to resemble a Hershey's Kiss in silhouette.
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